Entry 1

Hi everyone,, first entry ever, so exciting (to me). Weird day today. I seem to be in some what of a slump mentally. I feel so stuck in place that it makes my days feel like they're dragging on & on and it can make things I enjoy doing not that fun anymore. I think it's cause I'm in winter break right now and every time I'm out of school I get really restless. Moreover, I've been having complicated feelings about a friend of mine. Not in a romantic way or anything more like,, I'm Not Sure If I Wanna Be Around You Anymore. Every time I've interacted with them in the past week, I've been so sidetracked about the subject. My therapist said I should weigh the pros and cons of being their friend so that's what I've been trying to do. It's so scary for me, I get this overwhelming sense of dread when I think about not being around them anymore. I'm supposed to not talk to them at all next week (at therapist recommendation) so I can truly decide I guess. My biggest fear is that they'll resent me forever if I decide I can't do it anymore. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about their reaction if that's what will end up happening. Everything feels so impossible. 

In other news, my routine currently is greatly improving how I feel physically which makes me feel very hopeful. I need to tweak my afternoon workout routine a little and then I'm sure my day will feel pretty much put together perfectly. Medicated life is much different then Untreated Schizophrenia and OCD life. I feel a lot more free now a days, but I feel so scared by things I used to do or enjoy. Things from the past feel like leeches on me. Defiantly something to bring up with my therapist in two weeks.  Free but Caged is a good way to put it.

I wanna start a scrapbook soon I think. I want to do a lot of things but a scrapbook is always at the front of my mind. I think I will add it to the 2024 Goal List... most likely I will.

Today I ate leftover mac n cheese and a apple sauce. It was pretty yummy, although I'm still hungry. I can't eat anything else since it's past 7:00 but I'll make sure to eat breakfast tomorrow. 

Today I am thankful for early mornings and bottled water :-)

That's all from me, More tomorrow o/