Dec 21st 3am

i see all those memes on insta like "i cant keep thuggin this out" and its funny like yeah but bro i cant anymore lmaooooo i cant thug it out anymore either bro im crashing like a shitty jenga tower

idk if im insane or what the way i never react to things but it all builds up, i was just thinking about how negative everyone is about everything. like anything. anything that exists that a person could be interested in or love or find cool or be excited for, literally anything and people just hate 

i dont understand why so many people are so negative and hateful for no reason its insane to me i feel like im among aliens sometimes the way i see some peoples mentalities / behavior

anyways i was gonna come on here and complain about how sad i was my friends forgor my bortday n how the person i wanna talk to most doesnt really wanna talk to me which is okay its just i miss her

but my dad remembered and so did my sisters n their partners so im grateful for that and someone on here wished my happy birthday which made me smile a lot cus it was the most unexpected thing but it made me smile

now im thinkin about my mom and i wonder if anyone will wish her a happy birthday. i want to so bad because i dont want anyone let alone my mom to feel the way i felt on my birthday. ik most family wont wish it to her, but its been like a year or two since i talked to her im not ready to. ill ask my dad n sisters to wish her a happy birthday n say it was from me );

i feel worse n worse n miss my mom more n more but still not ready to talk to her

i wonder if this is how most birthdays will feel. i dont really celebrate my birthday unless my family really want me to.

i cant stop thinking about this one birthday i had as a kid. One of the best birthdays and it was just me n my mom n we were dirt poor. had to buy food, cake and my present from dollar store hahahah i was so happy with my laser pointer im still happy and grateful. so much has happened. that feels like a lifetime ago but it was prolly like 6 years ago. now i can buy some video game for $40, play it for a week or two till i get bored and play some free to play game thats more fun anyway. but i still cant match the happiness of the laser pointer. It broke in like a week. but i still loved it and kept it. I wonder if my ex still has the bracelet i gave her. i never took the one she made me off.

in less than 10 years sm has changed relationships, family, education, travelling, friends, jobs etc. everything is a mess i dont have anyone close and i miss my mom i miss being happy

I remember my ex on her birthday once said something along the lines of "about 50 more of these left" and i was so sad when she said that. Now i think i understand. i can only imagine the sadness she was feeling back then, i think shes happier now with her new feller so im glad.

am i happier at 21 than 20 ? naurrr, but ive grown so much, learnt so much and i have life plans! i think ill be okay one day. 

ive been listening to this song for a while

it started because i was sad n missed being a kid ig so i thought i'd watch a comfort movie id loved since a kid- dan in real life. but then i remembered that movie was a movie id told her about bc its got such nice memories of my mom n i watchin the movie all the time so it means a lot to me u know. i told her and she said she wants to watch it with me (; so i thought okay lemme watch someth else and i remembered napoleon dynamite !! another childhood movie that makes me happysad.

i remember my ex loved bittersweet things. movies, stories, poems etc- she said she loved bittersweet things because it feels of love but hurts which i think means its important and u feel sad bc whatever it is means a lot. so its nice to even care about something that much.

anywho its 3:30 now ive had this song on repeat whilst blowing my nose n typing away. idk if anything i said made sense but it makes sense to me.

i love u stay safe have fun n be kind