just my entire life

i keep remembering loads of random shit from early childhood (3-6) so im just gonna rant about it, 

so my life kicked off with a cheery start, my parents broke up while my mother was pregnant with me, and i spent the first half a year of my life living in my nans living room, then i moved into the house i spent the next 14 year in, and that house has so much trauma around it to me, i moved a little over two months ago and im so glad because that house istfg. When i was around 4 my mum had a boyfriend for awhile and had my sister, i didnt remember much around that time but he used to threaten me and just hit me whenever my mum was out or in the shower or anything, i remember him locking me and his child (cant remember their name but around my age) in my bedroom and saying something along the lines of "if you leave this room me and your mum will leave you and youll be left all alone forever" i cant remember exactly but fucking hell that was not a good start. Paired with that the vague threats were paired with a "if you tell your mum she wont believe you and she'll hate you for tryna ruin things". I cant remember much else aside from me being scared to go in my bedroom for over half a year after that. Then not long after the time i started primary school, i never really had many friends in any of my time at school, and looking back i was basically excluded and bullied for the entire time there. Then around age 6 my mum mentioned one or two times the idea of homeschooling, a few other people in my old school started homeschooling, but the school was very. against it, and i remember social workers obsessing over it for ages, i was petrified of the idea of any of that. My entire childhood people judged me and just saw me as this kinda weird crazy sorta questionable kid, but age 8-9 i got diagnosed with autism and suspected adhd. I was kinda the stereotype for an autistic kid, obsessed with lego and random things, crazy smart in some topics but useless in others, etc. Then around age 10 i got a kinda "friend group" except it was basically just some people putting up with me, looking back again i think i was basically just someone to bully because any chance theyd get id be called useless, fat, worthless, and told to kms. That kinda continued for almost 2 years. around age 12 i started seriously mentally declining, id always had a kinda odd relationship with food and some sorta odd thoughts to do with self harm and suicide (obviously age 10 and under i didnt know what anorexia or self harming or anything actually were), but age 10-12 id developed a massive problem with overeating, anything i saw id wanna eat i was binging every night almost just to cope, sounds over stupid now since i was 12 but it felt so real. I remember my dad (who has lived in other countries, seeing me once a year if that, sometime going 3 years without) was here, and just violently pinched my back and said i had "quite a lot of chub" which still sticked with me years later. And around 12 i started actively tryna stop that, i was more than just average preteen chubby i was fucking huge greasy and just disgusting. I started tryna restrict and had periods of doing that well, and others id fail. I didnt have a scale or anything but you can see my weight fluctuating in old photos of me then. Also when i was 13 i ended up meeting another group of friends, they were like nicer but it just didnt feel right idk whenever i said anything id get semi judged and theyd talk behind my back, id been questioning my sexuality for years by now and that'd get me labelled as weird, if i mentioned depression or sh to anyone on pms, the whole group would know. And it just wasnt right. However it was mid this year i decided to buy myself a Stratocaster and an amp with my birthday money, which had a big effect on the next few years. Over 13-14 i continued the same pattern of restricting food, then binging, but i had no clue if that was normal "i cant be anorexic i overeat sm" "i cant have a binging problem i restrict", but it kept up, plus id developed a self harming habit, id tried it once or twice but not badly but this was like full on cutting half my forearm in one go. December 2022 i was in probably my worst mental state id been in in a long time, and i was panicking about how to not gain over christmas, what to do with seeing family and everyone so much. But not that long after, very early january 23 my kinda friend but i didnt talk to her much, tagged me in a post about a band and i just sorta said yeah sure, didnt really know if i was gonna do it as at this point i had not played in front of anyone in person. But i did it, i remember going there and there was this cool emo guy(olly), we sorta clicked and ended up becoming best friends and now bfs, so that was kicking this year off to a really good start. My eating disorder had started sorta spiralling tho but it felt okay, it felt exciting and fulfilling instead of lonely and depressing, until summer. In the early summer it started getting worse and the depression was getting seriously bad, i remember this time i cut way too much and ended up calling olly at 6am panicking in like june, that was something. I'd always had feelings for him but those sorta moments where he was just there meant so much, sounds cringe but id never really known what it was like having someone to just be there and help you

But summer was kinda okay, i was losing quite a bit, id spend most of my time out in town, walking, skateboarding or just going round charity shops, my house was literally falling apart, and my neighbour on one side had got a very strong disliking for me, i remember her threatening to call the police on me for mowing the grass by the fence because thats "vandalism", and my room was a literal tip, it was just a pile of everything and nothing. Then it got to sorta august/september, and my mental state continued getting worse and worse, id gone from restricting to like under 500 calories a day, to purging anything i eat. was self harming every night pretty much, started smoking, and developed quite a bad problem with alcohol, it was a constant pattern, get up, eat, purge, exercise, cut, drink, sleep. that carried on for a while but ive managed to stop smoking, ive been sh clean for awhile.

between autumn and winter i stopped purging, and id started gaining weight, i was at a lw of around bmi 18.2 and id gained back to 20, was that the lack of nicotine as an apetite supressant? not purging? not drinking so not sleeping? who knows. but now its december and on the 3rd me and my bf started dating and honestly, despite my mental state still being a trainwreck, i feel happy for the first time in idek how long. Who knows how christmas will go but yea

Plus, me, my bf and our drummer played our first show a few days ago! it was terrifying despite a tiny amount of people being there, but it was one of the best days of this year. 

Sorry for the HUGE rant, this isnt me asking for attention, i dont expect anyone to respond, i just needed to scream all this out into a void.