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a hard time, or hardly any time at all
before you go further, you should know this blog post covers mature topics
content warning: [mature topics], such as [education, unhealthy relationships, deterioration of all aspects of health, including physical health, social health, mental health, suicidal ideation], and possibly more i am forgetting to mention
a lot can change in two or three years. but then again, i find that i have to keep reminding myself time has passed, because in some ways it feels like none has passed at all. two or three years ago I was a few things:
- a student, struggling to achieve
- in an unhealthy relationship solely to please another person
- avoidant of family, avoidant of connection, avoidant of support
and possibly more, but talking about it further is probably akin to "beating a dead horse". or however that metaphor goes
but... im feeling chipper, so in that case, lets get off this horse and take a walk together
wait, you were sick?
yes. like a lot of people living in this late-capitalist hellscape, i have to deal with the ramifications set by fascist tyrants. so many social platforms on the Web these days are run in the worst imaginable ways. the toll on my health is considerable. it's bad enough that the political establishments around the world intend on outright genocide (and im not just talking about recent events — these motherfuckers have been in power too long)... and because of this, i tend to make myself places on the Web to be more expressive; i escape by trying to communicate socially online. but to have my only way of communication to other people, my only escape, be on these platforms which make me worse is not ideal
it's not like this is a novel sentiment. im sure many of you can relate, in your own ways. in some small part, it's probably why you're here on spacehey, after all
- "It's a friendly place to have fun, meet friends, and be creative."
- "allows you [customization] to give you all the freedom you need to make your Profile truly your Space on the web!"
- "You decide what you want to share and what content you'd like to view."
in the time since my last blog post, ive slowly but surely been able to take care of my
health more and more. im at a point now where i can balance who i want
to be with who my family wants me to be, although i will admit that im
doing so somewhat trepidatiously
some things i will still have to work
at endlessly because of reasons outside of my control, like how my back
will still give me troubles, and my sleep disorders will need quite a
bit more care before i think i can say im fully healthy. this body is tired, but i still have work to do
what else i didnt mention
as i kind of eluded to above, a lot of things weigh on my shoulders all the time. i need an outlet, so i make little places of my own across the Internet, places where i can be more of myself. ill be honest with you, my name in real life is not sam. i realize now that on here i can stop pretending or posing as someone i think people will enjoy or appreciate, which is what i feel i have to do almost everywhere else in the Web, nonetheless in real life. the thing is, pretending or posing just for the sake of pleasing others isnt the point of any of this shit. i can be myself, all of myself, for the sake of myself, in order to be happier, in order to feel more real
in real life, im not seen as a feminine figure, and that kind of
expression for me is near-unattainable, unless i want to risk losing my
housing, my food, my family, and much else. but as has been said, "On the Internet, no one knows you're a dog."
in cyberspace, i have control over my digital "home", i have control
over where i go and what i do, im able to manage this expression
between friends and family more delicately
you dont have to play their game
an unacceptably large number of places on the Web these days want to make their users feel like they have to worry about the numbers. it's the same game that infects all sorts of things. bigwigs, stockholders, shareholders, parasites who create this false urge to chase money. for as long as i can remember, ive despised that game. i see it in the way my parents raised me by literally making sure the first thing i heard was punk music, real independent artistry fighting against the man and that shit. i could say this about a few other places too (and i might start writing my praise on them in the future so stay tuned!), but it's not all like this on the Web. there are places that encourage folks to simply write or create, even if for no one but themselves. places who give tools of expression to folks, tools that are unchained by a game. it's this that i strive to create on
i know the future is mine to take, "Carpe futurum!" and all that, and i fully intend to become the greatest version of myself as soon as possible. the universe knows ive waited long enough already, lol
and i know it might sound like im just saying this for myself, but if saying this can help you too, then ive done something right. the corporatism, the fascist tyrants, the consumerism, the way this economically driven world will eat you up and try to never spit you back out... it really can be daunting. if you feel like youre alone, you can always start again. it will
hurt, to fight and fight and fight your way out of this hole the motherfuckers put you in. but it would hurt far more to let them eat you alive, make you think you dont deserve support, keep you in that hole and strangle you until you cease to exist, in past, present, and future
if anything, there are comrades around you who need comrades around them. of course, its not enough to stay alive solely for others, as you do have to stay alive for yourself as well, but in order to change this world, in order to fight the game, we have to remember why we are all alive. sometimes the most punk thing you can do is to stay alive, seeing as how the motherfuckers want us thinking we are disenchanted, disillusioned, disenfranchised, disconnected, weak
after a hard time, and eventually after what might feel like
hardly any time at all, we will be strong enough that anything the motherfuckers
say, anything they do will not disable us anymore.
in essence
it's been a while. im not dead, though the motherfuckers wanted me that way. trans rights forever. these days i end up tagging these "mantras" on to the ending of almost everything i write/think/do, but the ones ive listed below have saved my life more than once. maybe youll also take them to heart.
keep your chins high, my friends, and your fists higher!
the revolution starts in your heart!
we will outlive them!
hope is a hammer, hope is a force!
i love, you i hope you are doing well!
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