life ramblings 12/19/23

ahh last week before break! i'm so pissed off at my school that we have to attend all five days this week but wtv its fine... i will just be going to school in my pjs for most of it LOL. my energy is soooo low i rlly need to go on break. i hate feeling like im going into survival mode where im trying to ration my energy and be strategic with how i use it yanno? it reminds me of past life events that i rlly don't want to relive lol... but anyways i just have to keep staying positive and not beat myself up for not being able to do stuff i usually can!! 

that's one thing i'm learning in therapy: self compassion, which i previously have not used a lot. i'm getting a lot better with that kind of thing but its a work in progress--there will always be bad days and good days. also toxic ways of thinking, omfg my therapist showed me all the different types and i literally do every single one HELPPP, but i'm working on it!! for example i tend to take something miniscule and completely blow it up, like if someone looks at me weird i assume they hate me and think im ugly n shit. which is obviously rlly dumb but ive been doing shit like that for so long that it seems normal. so now when i get those thoughts i ask myself: is that a rational conclusion? and the answer 11 times out of 10 is absolutely not lmao. it feels good to recognize my negative habits and begin to fix them after struggling w them for so long. having a good therapist reallyyyyyyy helps imo. and there's no shame in seeing someone for help!!

i want to get back into writing soooo bad. there was a time in july? i think when i was doing camp nanowrimo and i literally wrote every single day for a month; it was glorious. then life happened and i got out of the habit lol. i love to write but i have a hard time setting a schedule for myself and sticking to it for some reason. i think that's gonna be one of my goals in 2024. idk it's just hard because i also have to balance school, friends, family, and my health all while not being at 100% energy level. i think i need to start small and build my way up in doable, non-stressful ways cuz otherwise i'll just get overwhelmed and stop writing all together. plus it's really important to write about what interests me otherwise i DEFINITELY won't want to write lol. that's why i've been writing solely fanfiction lately and not forcing myself to stick to only one WIP. as much as i would love to finish a WIP rn its more important to me that i'm writing with love and getting a lot of practice in the process.

okay that's all for now byeeeeeee <3