where the pillar stands

I feel like for the most part of my life I've always been embarrassed with myself I hide certain things about myself because I'm scared I'd end up being weird or scare off people. That led me to 16-17 years of masking.  It makes me sort of have zero special interests I guess?. Despite heavily masking most of the time I'd still be obviously autistic to some people. However, I find that even in a neurodivergent group of people I'd still not fit in which leaves me thinking about where I stand in the spectrum or if am even in the spectrum?