12/16 Gay crisis part 1/?

I had my last final exam today which means I am officially on winter break wahooo!! Much has happened since I last made a blog post. The most significant event was that I got way too drunk off bottom shelf vodka and made out with one of my close friends. Which made me have a bit of a crisis bc... it was fully platonic. at least on my end. like shes a very sexy woman and I thought I have been attracted to her but something about it seemed off. it also made me realize that she has been the only woman I have been with in almost 2 years... idk i've been having a bit of a gay crisis which I might as well vent about.

ive identified as bisexual since i was like 13 and found out what that was. i was like oh yeah that makes sense thats me! in high school i had a couple girlfriends but also had crushes on guys so going into college i was pretty comfortable with my bisexual identity. lets say my last relationship with a woman went very poorly. after i broke up with her i decided, hey im in college, time to bi it up. so since then i have been exclusively dating/hooking up with dudes or masc nonbinary people.

and the thing is, for these past 2 years i have had no interest in getting with girls, romantically or sexually. like i think i will have crushes on them but i dont really care enough to do anything about it.. unless im 7 shot deep apparently. ideologically being bisexual just seems... correct tho. like gender is a social construct and all that and i dont want to limit who i get with based off of something that arbitrary. but at the same time, i feel like i would be perfectly fine never dating a woman again. but at the same same time sometimes woman are hot! sometimes. but yet i feel like i would be unfulfilled in a long term relationship with a woman. 

so i guess im gay in a kinda queer unlabeled way. which is fine but also frustrating that i dont fully fit into a box. like im gay but open to bisexuality if the mood strikes me. which sounds like just having a gender preference when i type it out but it really feels more than that to me. sexuality is complex and im usually okay with that but every so often i do have a gay crisis haha