Trying not to end myself

It's been hard, I won't try to deny that. I think my willingness to live is dull and often fluctuates. I am a loveless being who's only loved when they can provide something to others, wether it's money or sex, or company or affection, or labour. But I? as a human? I don't think I really hold value for most people, and it's not that I'm overreacting, but it's what I see. How others are able to have fun, to make mistakes and fix them (or not), and learn and grow. I wish I could do that, that every mistake i make doesn't represent the end of something, the end of relationships or friendships, sometimes the mistake can be just existing and being uncomfortable with how people treat me sometimes, which is like me not being able to be allow to be a human at all. If i experience warmth, it's because i huge storm will come eventually.

I've been happy, i think that's pretty obvious. But knowing how happiness is a vapid emotion, I can't help but feel that chasing it or ignoring that chase is almost the same. It doesn't matter anymore.

Nothing really matters anymore.