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ive been watching my grandmother slowly die over the last few years and it scares me. i dont know how much time i have left but i know its limited. ive slowly watcher her slowly loose her mobility and seen her go from going to the lake and swimming with us to almost weelchair bound and unable to use the bathroom or shower without help. i found out about how she cried over how she is an how she said she wanted to die already, all i could think about was the line from maus where vladek says to die is easy but to survive is to fight or something along those lines. she told me about her dream and how her mother (who passed away around 7 years ago) was telling her to come home already and she said she couldnt because the kids, but she said once winter break starts shell go.winter break starts in a week and im scared. obviously it was just a dream but it made me cry. it made me realize her dying next week is completely possible. not too long ago my other grandmother died after living around a year longer than the doctors said she had and i didint see her for around a month prior to her death and her funeral was in california so i didint get to see that either so i havent processed it it feels like shes still at my dads house just waiting for us to go over to see us but ill never see her again i guess im kinda prosessing it as i write this but it still doesnt feel real.
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i cant remember what my grandfather sounds like and im scared thatll happen to other poeple i know when they die. im starting to forget what he looks like and im terrified that will happen when my grandmother dies.
death has been slowly creeping up on me when my grandfather died i didint feel anything i didint comprehend it. a few years ago my uncle told me to enjoy the time i had left with my grandmother and i didint get it because she was still fine but now that she even struggles to get out of bed alone i am completley terrified she wont live to see me become an adult that she wont see me graduate and that ill forget her voice and how she looks
deaths been creeping up on me slowly mentally destroying me and reminding me how scary and real it is.
but its also been slowly showing me how kind and caring it is removing our suffering and reuniting us with our loved ones
i am not religious but i hope for my grandmothers sake that there is an afterlife where she will be reunited with her parents and my grandfather whos been watching over her for the last 7 years
am i greedy for not wanting my grandmother to die when shes slowly loosing all mobility and will one day be completely paralyzed and to struggle to live for my sake. am i allowed to be greedy when if i was in her position i would also want to die. am i greedy for wanting her to live as long as she can even if it means struggling to live every day
yes yes i am an di dont care if i am because i dont ever want to forget her voice
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Jumpy
To live is to love, to love is to lose. If you didn't hope for just one more second with her, if you were satisfied with everything you would be uncaring. People say "it's their time", or "they're suffering" and other such phrases to make themselves and the people around them feel better. Your heartache is evidence of your love, and you're allowed to feel every modicum of it.
As she prepares herself to move on to the other side, love her unapologetically. Hold on to her until she slips through your fingers. Remember that she's fighting to be there with you. Remember that wanting to die is never permanent. Remember that your time is her lifeblood. Remember that your smile is a painkiller.
Remember that you love her. It's okay to be afraid.