in regards to the self

i think im just going to start posting my ramblings here

im keeping this profile away from anyone i know irl or otherwise--im trying to recreate myself in a way that's new, someone who is me, has always been me, but has never been able to be me. this is a test to see how i will act in a completely neutral environment. no friends from previous websites, no friends irl on here who know how i act.

i'll share memories, for sure

i remember sitting on my uncle's couch in his upstairs media room and watching anime until i couldn't keep my eyes open. i was so young then--the sounds of rain on metal awnings in the springtime, and the way that the air smelled like my grandmother's perfume and my uncle's bodyspray will never leave me. the cheap plastic cups from the dollar store that i loved so much. there's something really beautiful about it, i think, i don't remember much from my childhood but sometimes i get snippets of little things that make me feel relief for the child i was--i had moments of peace in between the things i went through.

i think that looking at oneself you have to realize that You are not You. You are not who you think you are, nor who everyone else thinks you are--there is  third self that you can only find in the depths of your being, and it's not like you can just do that overnight. somewhere, in those memories of childhood, and in the feelings of your teen years and the despair of your early 20's, there is someone with more potential than you realize, the ideal self, who needs healing and time. the ideal self, who needs a space where they won't be judged and won't have expectations other than their own--and you can become this ideal self with introspection, meditation, understanding, and healing. this does not have to be peaceful, though, just like a butterfly or a moth. the caterpillar wraps itself in a cocoon or chrysalis and it melts. the body becomes something of a soup as it begins to change--it's horrifying. disgusting. truly something primordial and unsophisticated. if you break open one of these cocoons and smear it onto the pavement you'll find nothing but innards, forming limbs, goop. it's nauseating. but that is what healing is. it's raw, disgusting, repulsive. you look at yourself and it's fucking sickening. you spill the ugly parts of yourself and stare at them. you are surrounded by the ugliness, the raw parts of yourself, everything that you have forced away because you hate what you have become. but, as you stew in this mess of your own body and mind, you become something more. something stronger. your body comes together--and this can be your physical body or your spiritual--and you are rebuilt. reborn. something else entirely. you aren't completely healed. complete healing from trauma does not exist. using it to become stronger, though...to become the ideal self, someone you aren't now, but will be? inspiring.

the image of a butterfly is trite. an ugly bug becomes something beautiful with wings that rival stained glass windows of the church that made you hate yourself so much. but a moth...there are so many kinds. fuzzy moths, death's head moths, luna moths. some moths live for seemingly ever, some moths live not 12 hours. but the forming, becoming the moth, the butterfly...that is the important part.