FUCK ESL

I know spanish. I was raised by two dominincans ive been to the country i can understand spanish better than english and i can speak it with the handicap of not knowing enough vocabulary BUT i dont know its so hard to speak it just when asked? like if im put into a convo with my cousin leslie who only speaks spanish ill talk for hours i may stutter i may use more words than needed to convey a point and thats okau u need to struggle to learn but overall i still can speak it with a good accent and understand everything being told to me in full BUT WHEN IM JUST ASKED TO SPEAK SPANISH IT DOESNT COME TO ME? like if someone says oh show me ur spanish i freeze up and my accent dispears i become whiter than the avg floridan. I NEED A BILINGUAL STAMP ON MY DIPLOMA FOR HS I WANT IT AND I CAN GET IT BUT GOD DAMN BETWEEN BEING SO USED TO THE ENGLISH ALPHABET BULLSHIT AND MY SPANISH BEING SO CIRCUMSTANCITAL IM BASICAING SUFFERING RN. WHY DID THEY ENROLL ME IN ESL AS A CHILD BC IF THEY DIDNT SPANISH WOULD HAVE BEEN MY FIRST LANGUAGE! I SPOKE SPANISH AND ENGLISH TOGEHER AS A CHILD THE ONLY THHING THAT MADE ENGLISH MY FIRST WAS ESL A PRGRAM FOR NNON ENGLISH KIDS. THEY RUINED ME