chobits, a city with no people in it, and feelings

(this is a very confused, full with grammar mistakes and unorganized nonsense of a ramble. i'm sorry, english isn't my first language and i have some problems putting my thoughts into words)

i think it's easy to tell from my pfp that i really like chobits. but actually up untill like, yesterday, i'd only watched the anime and i was trying to search something abt it and saw that the anime and the mangá had a few differences. so, i read the entire thing in 2 days (which doesn't say much bc it's only 88 short chapters.)

anyways, the main reason why i love chobits so much is mainly bc of the book that chii read in canon called "the uninhabited city" or "a city with no people in it" the book is basically a tool used to help chii understand her own "feelings" and things that she can and can't do because of being a persocon.

i remember really liking the book scenes as a kid but i didn't get why since i have poor memory and couldn't quite remember what the book as about. but while reading the mangá i decided to screenshot all the book pages and post it no twitter so it creates a full story. man, what a great and beautiful book. i feel like a lot of people talk about chobits they thnk of the sexualization and how "all the persocons are girls created to obey men!!" but the story talks about love and feelings in such a pretty way that it makes my heart ache. i felt understood and felt like there's hope for me.

 the book is about finding "the someone for me," and while i don't know how much i agree with the idea of having one person "right for me," i also am a bit of a hopeless romantic at heart. there's a lot of focus on loving someone just the way they are and thinking about this makes me want to cry.

i'm gonna get a bit personal now, but i've been through a lot o stuff since october and i haven't be doing great mentally. one of the things that i've been thinking is about love, not only romantic but any type of love. because of a past relationship i had i thought that i always need to change, i need to be the person they want me to be because if i don't, they'll be sad and that's going to be my fault. i still have that in me, and i can see how it's affecting the relationship i have right now even if it's with someone else. i also know i am no saint, i made a lot of mistakes on my first relationship and i need to grow and learn from them. i have a lot to change, a lot to heal, and for a while i thought that because of this i couldn't have new friends or date anyone. i felt as if when i tried again i just would keep making the same mistakes again and again.

now, even thought that might be selfish of me, i want "the someone for just me." i want someone who is capable of loving me even if they know what i can and can't do. i think it's even worse than that actually. it's not that i want it, i need it. but that also creates another problem, right? if i just look for someone to date, if i feel that need, i'll just become dependent. i don't want to be a weight to those i love. i've always felt this need to rush and find love, as if i would die without it, but that's not true... i mean in a sense, yeah, everybody wants someone by their side. humans need afection and love, but we also need to learn how to be alone and i desperatly need to learn how to love lonliness too.

i guess that's something the book talks about and i disagree. it mentions a lot how when you are with the person just for you you feel happy, and when you are without them you feel pain. it shouldn't be like that. if things really go this way it's bound for things to go wrong. once again, i can't help but think about my own feelings. maybe it's because i'm in a more uncertain situation, but i can't help but feel sad when i feel distant to those i love and get happy when i text or talk to them, only to get sad again when i'm alone once more.

i think it's because with the one i like i can't be sure that he likes me back. i know that he did, but after all that went down? i don't know if he still feels the same. and i can't ask, because i don't want to let my insecurities be the reason i lose another person that i love. in a sense, that just makes me a hypocrate. i was just talking about wanting someone who loves me for who i am and i don't want to change or pretend to be someone else to feel loved. but i guess it's all a matter os balance, you can't show too much, or else you'll be come a weight they have to carry. but you also can't hide everything, because if you do that's just not you. they need to love you for who you are, but you also can't expect them do deal with every problem and every insecurity you have.

well, but if all that happend make him not like me anymore, then what can i do? i'll have to go look for someone else. even if he is the right person for me, if it's the wrong time there's nothing i can do about it. it hurts, and the book talks about this, but if i really want to find "the one right for me" and he isn't the one i'll just have to say goodbye. not literally, we can still be friends of couse (and i really would like this to happen if things need to end because i do really like him as a friend too.) but i'll have to let my romantic love for him go and keep looking. without rushing into things, taking my own time and healing, i'll be able to eventualy find "somone just for me" as well.

also, i really like how the book talks about feelings and love almost in a third person perspective. since the book was being written with chii and hideki in mind, it was made to help chii learn and think about her own "feelings" even if she is not human. even being a chobits,chii can't feel real emotions like humans, like hideki. it's also harder for her heart to change, humans go through a lot, we change, we grow, as time passes we become completly different people and love is one of the things that can be changed so easily within us that it actually scares me. we can go from love to dislike or even hate so quickly because of so many different things and that's terrifying.

i think this is also why i resonated with the book so much. i can se both sides of the story so well. i am human, my feelings are subjected to constant change and that's scary. it's also scary how i can't understand my own ever-changing feelings and it's even scarier to know that other people also change constantly and i'll never be able to know exactly what they are feeling. i can relate to chii and her confusion with how feelings work and what they mean and how scary it is that human feelings can change so fast as much as i can relate to humans (specifically hideki i this case) and be confused at my own feelings changing and the fear of telling how i feel because what if it changes tomorrow?

i don't know what else to say on this topic, maybe i'll comeback another day and add more to this. overall this book just made me reflect on a lot of things about me and what i'm going through. i guess it helped me cope, even if it was just for a small moment, the pain went away and it was filled with hope instead. since i don't have a proper way to finish this here's a few quotes from the book that left a big imapct on me or made me think a lot.

"today i'm going to go look for the person only for me again. the person who will love me, even if i can't make dreams come true. but, the other mer says... 'does a person like that really exists??' i want them to exist. 'will that person love only me?' i hope so... 'will that perrson really not demand anything of me?' if not... if that person won't just love me for who i am, then that isn't the person only for me."

"what if the person doesn't love you? what if that person loves someone else other than you? what would you do?"

"the human heart can not be programed or erased. therefore, once they choose someone, it's very difficult to change."

"is this ghost town really happy? i don't know. but one thing is certain, the single definition of happiness. happiness holds a unique meaning for each individual, something that may look misfortunous on the outiside might be fourtunous on the inside and continues to change it's form as time flows. there isn't a single one that is alike."

"i hope it would be so, i hope i could find 'my person' and 'my happiness'."

"'if this doesn't change, the same incident will occur.' it's not the same. he's not that kind of person. he is someone else, and each person is different. even though they look the same, if you look there's a difference. each person's heart is different."

"the human heart cannot stay the same forever. the human heart changes everyday, a little bit at a time... it is a human characteristic. being different is alright... staying the same forever is fine as well..."

"i once lost something really important. for me, it was very difficult to deal with. even now, i am still sad, very, very, sad. even though my important thing was lost, the sadness left over is still painful. but you continue to search, so i continue to search."

"i am myself. because i am myself. i am it. because i am not human. thus, it is like this. because it is like this. if he likes me because i am myself. if i like him because he is himself. i can find 'the only person right for me.'"

"it hurts. if the 'someone just for me' does not choose me... i'm afraid the hurt right here will be so bad... that i'll stop working. 'it's a powerful feeling, isn't it? a hurt so strong it can cause you to break.'"

"i am happiest when i think about that person... i am saddest when i think about that person... that person makes all my feeling more intense. that must be what love is."

"the heart of someone who's in love... whether that person is alive or not... is kind and warm."

"answer me, do you... love me? or do you... fear me?"