Autopilot

Since 13 or so my brain has just been on autopilot for the most part. All I do is wake up, computer stuff, and as of now eat barely anything, and having the worse sleep possible.. and that's on a weekend as school weeks I can't sleep at all. I fall asleep at 9pm and awake at 11pm and can't go back to sleep, pass out at 5am and awake at 7:30 to 7:40am and have to basically speed run getting everything ready before heading off to school were I'm just a zombie throughout the day and go home only for it to repeat. Even if I try my hardest not to fuck around all night and go to sleep it just happens anyway.

I have no irl friends because of my experiences when younger of being the laughing stock. While yes a lot of the stuff I got mad at when 7 to 13 was stupid as shit and even I would make fun of 7 to 13 year old me if I had a time machine it still didn't change the fact I felt hurt at that time and no one wanted to make it better. I couldn't control who I was at that time as I'm just heavily different (I would mention I'm autistic but my parents lied about me having a official diagnosis for years and only learned now, currently getting a evaluation at some point. So while I can't say 100% sure I really really wouldn't be surprised if it came back that I indeed have it.)

Due to being heavily made fun of I shunned my happier side of myself to be a mindless droid that tries to follow what others are doing. This led me for awhile to stop liking the things I liked and try to fit in but guess what doesn't work when your mind was developed outside of the normal lane. Now I can't even talk to others unless it's text. In my current school which is a different one from the one I used to go to, the people there are just not who I connect with at all.

Now my happy side has been gone for so long I can't even be it anymore without feeling discomfort or "not normal" even though I know it would be better to be that version of me again (just a little less stupid this time)

Only thing that has stayed the same is my love for tech but I hate that it's the only thing I ever ask for as one it's too much money most of the tech I want, and two and I have interest in other things yet I don't ask for as I don't wanna be looked at weird.. even though my whole family is more then well aware that I am.

...I just wanna be happy