Wublog 121223

Something about typing out my thoughts doesn't work as well as writing by hand. I wonder if I could write personal blogs like this by hand and just post pictures of them lmao. I could use some magic lens type thing but I'd rather not make it any easier to scrape this data and associate it with my phone. Typing is objectively faster than writing but stuff doesn't come out of my brain as easily when typing. At least not this sort of brain juice. Maybe the keyboard turns me into a different person.

If you haven't figured it out yet this is just going to be a stream of consciousness wall of nonsense. There are things I'd like to tell people but this sort of post is mostly just for me. Something about not editing what I have to say changes the effect it has on me saying it. Like writing in ink, if I don't have the expectation that I can go back and change what I've said I hesitate less to try to make whatever it is perfect. That's why I've been drawing in ink and brush pen so much lately, if I don't have the ability to go back and fix mistakes I worry about them less. At some point I'll switch gears and go back to something else, but this is working for now.

I think the only way I'm ever going to make it as a developer is to put myself out there more, so that's sort of what this is. I don't mean "market" when I say put myself out there either, I mean actually being more authentic to myself publicly. It's not something I'm comfortable with, but it's been going well so far. It helps that people on spacehey are supportive and have some of the same weird viewpoints I have.

It's interesting how a lot of the art world and internet indie stuff in general revolves around authenticity and connecting with the person behind it now. While at the same time we're pretty quick to throw people and their art out when we disagree with them. Outrage culture and the need for authenticity are somehow existing in the same time and place and it's very strange to me. I get it though, I'm just as influenced by someone who is open as anyone else and I don't like artists who have views I think are extreme or unreasonable either. I also question just how authentic people can really be online. The successful ones especially. We all have a barrier to authenticity online posed by the medium itself, but beyond that I don't think even the most successful "authentic" people online share everything about themselves. I guess it's more about making sure what you do share is really how you feel and not a front. I think I'm finding a place where I can do that. I limit myself to only talking about things I'm actually passionate about, and just not posting negativity. Is that toxic positivity? I don't think so, I don't think there's anything wrong with thinking negativity at times. I just don't want to share it here. Maybe that's a bit of a tall order, or at least it would be if I were like that all the time. I can always log out if I don't want to be positive. Actually, this will probably be one of the least positive things I've posted. I think that's okay since I'm just questioning some things, I'm not planning on wallowing in negativity or trying to make anyone feel bad.

I've been struggling a lot lately with motivating myself to make games again. Right now I'm still learning to function on my own as a developer. I'm way more motivated to work on stuff when I have other motivated people around me who are motivated too. I've come to realize though that finding people at the same stage as me with the same motivation as me is probably a fool's errand though, so I'm trying to find my own motivation. So far this has resulted in a lot of false starts, continuing to try to work with people when I shouldn't, and letting people down. If you're reading this and you're someone I've worked with who has been let down I'm sorry. I feel like most of the time it's been mutual, though, even if not explicitly stated. Normal people have more important things to worry about than making games and we all lose interest sometimes. It's just especially disappointing when it's someone new and it feels like I'm letting them down.

So far I feel like game dev has mostly been an exercise in taking Ls. I guess it's like that for everyone, though. You have to take Ls until you give up or make it. I am very grateful for the people I've met on spacehey, though. I feel like the only measurable success I've had so far has been meeting all of you. At least now I know if I can ever motivate myself to make something someone out there will at least look at it! And if I don't, I have a lot of friends now who at least like looking at my doodles sometimes, which means more to me than any of you realize.

I've also really enjoyed seeing the stuff everyone creates, and promoting it when I can. I like seeing people I've had conversations with doing well, it feels nice! I can ride their dopamine coat tails a bit to elevate my mood.

Mood's been a big factor, I think. 2023 has been one of the most difficult years I've ever had, to be honest. There is not a single aspect of my life that has gone well this year, except for personal development. I think that's how it goes a lot of the time, though, we grow the most when everything around us is falling apart. I don't need to go into details about it, but I have been struggling. I know some of you are too, we're gonna be okay. Winter doesn't last forever, spring is coming.

I've been trying to put out more videos, stay active on spacehey and discord, and get my neocities going too. It's a bit much right now while trying to do development on my own. It really shouldn't be, though, and I know a healthier me would be doing much better. I'm content to keep treading water on the game development front for a bit longer while I try to deal with some of the issues slowing me down. So that's why my updates are so all over the place, and why I haven't been advertising availability for collaborations.

I've become a lot more comfortable with art lately, at least. I've mostly been doing it as a creative outlet, but exploring different types of art is useful to my development goals too. Having a good understanding of what art I like to create can help me set up some constraints to work within when making games. I'm really liking my brush pens and inking directly without any sketching, and I'm starting to explore some of the vintage cartoon styles that I like. As a kid I always really liked Felix the cat, even though his cartoons and comics were unfunny and lame. I just liked the art a lot. I might try doing some more cartoonish stuff next time I'm drawing and give myself a little more direction. If I can get comfortable creating art that's colored and rendered and lies somewhere on a spectrum between pizza tower and cup head I think I'd be very happy. I haven't even started trying to play with color yet. I think I want a lot more confidence in my shapes before I go there. It's not far off though.

I think that's enough for now. Sorry if this comes across as weird! Thanks for reading, though.