gaslit by my own gender

So, as my profile says, I'm genderfluid. I'm still trying to figure it out and I haven't come out to anyone irl yet, save for that one friend who can see my profile here (shoutout to him for being so chill about it, thx).

The pros of keeping my gender identity to myself: I get to figure things out without having to explain anything to anyone if I realise things are different than I'd thought, and I wouldn't have to update others on every little change/development in my preferences and the nuances. Hell, I wouldn't even know where to start explaining if I had to.

The cons of keeping it to myself: sometimes I feel dysphoria, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I feel like the gender I was assigned at birth, sometimes I don't. When I feel like my AGAB, it feels like those doubts never deserved a place in my mind in the first place. But then the doubts and dysphoria pull a "SIKE!" and they hit like a truck. Then they disappear again and I'm left wondering what all this gEnDeR iDeNtItY fuss was about. Then I wonder if there's something wrong with my judgment. Rinse and repeat.

In conclusion, I am actively being gaslit by my own gender. Who would've thought.