i thought my friend was dead once

and it would make sense, if you think about it. 

two mentally ill, suicidal people done apart by life. i was fully prepared to never seen them again, not after all these years. in the end we did meet each other, by fate, in the same waiting room. it took me a long time to realize why i romanticized this moment. i used to think it was because i had a crush on them once, but that wasn't it. i really disliked this weird state of thought, because i didn't want to... objectify them? like some sort of movie character.

it's wild that we see each other in passing sometime, and this feeling comes back. and in the moment, it's like i am back to being a person i once was. i speak different, i walk different, i want to grab a beer and dramatically get drunk somewhere by the river. it's so annoying how my depressive thoughts come back after each encounter, how much it... irks me that they have other people they talk to, and a whole life i will never know.

and then it hit me. they are my time capsule.

we haven't seen each other in the most transformative years of our life. all we know is what we experienced before, together. and to make it even more impactful - they are the only long-time friend i've had. usually, i would meet people in my life, and then, when met with change, i would move on, never to contact these people again. i have severed so many ties, except this one. 

IT FEELS VURNERABLE TO BE REMEMBERED BY SOMEONE.

this person knows and shares my trauma. they know all the past drama. it will be forever associated with me in their eyes. it's horrifying. i am being confronted with my past every time i see them and it's HORRIFYING, because i've never had to do it before. i ran away from poland. then from my new city in germany. one friend group to the next. they won't remember me, because they won't have to.

this friend will. it scares me.