Parenting Children While Reparenting Yourself

Like many 90's kids in big cities, I was raised with neglect being a norm. Rarely supervised, not always clean or fed, hearing my parents talk about pending homelessness. Compound that with the fact that my mom had mental health and addiction issues and we were often physixally abused as well, I was a hot mess by time I was a teenager of 15 out on my own. I grew up with no space for acting like a child, having to be seen and not heard and lying was a necessary survival skill both to avoid beatings and to avoid being taken by CPS (who we were told would sell us to dirty old men). 

I have my own kids now and worked with kids for 8 years prior to becoming a mom. I mostly gentle parent, mixed with some positive/negative reinforcement (losing screen time if screen becomes an issue, etc). We do natural and logical consequences and remain neutral and supportive when mistakes are made to encourage our kids to seek us for help. It's a challenge every day to shift my lens. I have to consciously make parenting choices, it isn't a natural thing. What if I over react? What if my kid becomes an entitled brat? What if I am abusive and unaware? What if I become a victim of abuse again?  

I think for survivers of childhood trauma this is a natural thought process so I wanted to share the coping strategies that helped me most. 

1. Acknowledge intrusive thoughts and then let them go. I don't beat myself up if I think of hurting someone or myself. I remind myself that it is not who I am and then don't dwell on it. 

2. Decide what kind of parent you want to be every time you feel challenged. I have a 4 year old...I get challenged a lot these days but I take a breath, walk away or decide my actions before issues even arise so that I'm not escalated when I address my little one. 

3. Forgive. I get that forgiveness is hard. You aren't doing it for the other person

 You need to forgive and stop owning their mistakes so that you can move on. 

4. Promise yourself better. Make goals and promises to yourself about how you will parent. Treat yourself with grace and gentleness too. If you make a mistake, step back and think how you would address you child if they messed up. Be that safe place for yourself too. Negative self talk spills to everyone around you. 

Also, just know that it really does take a village. Don't be an island. Make friends, ask for help, find your tribe. If you need an ear, my messages are always open and I'm happy to listen.