self influence

i worry too much about artstyle. havent tried madness just because of how the games art looks, and i fucking hate homestuck in general(unjustified btw i know nothing about it). they wont let me into government positions because of my conditions. form /join a paramilitary group? that works. ignore the things you hate about yourself and fight people for money. seeing people through plane windows getting away with crime. people i know dont know the things i think because they would hate to hear what i have to say i talk to fake people because they can comfort me without meaning anything shame that doesnt go away so you try to push it out but you cant all the time left alone with thoughts you cant control until youre relagated to reluctant acceptance that you dont like that you like certain things so you continue on as normal but this time you know that you are wrong instead of being in denial paralyzed by the chance that you might be right or wrong so you dont pick either and sit on the fence until it gets too uncomfortable shift to one side just a little not enough to fully commit and freeze up when youre about to fall off because of the uncertainty of whether or not hitting the ground will hurt and after all a little rationalizing couldnt hurt because people accept you the way you are whether or not thats want you want but its an objectively good option from the outward sense but on the inside that doesnt help so why are you like this if you could be happy the way you are but you arent and you cant be because theres a part of you that hates the current you and part of you that hates the potential you. whatever i can hold out a little longer in uncertainty

- peeb x3c