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Let’s start off blunt. I mentioned I’m in recovery; I didn’t mention why I’m in recovery. I’ve only learned of these things in recent years. I would say the past 3 to 4 years was when it became very prominent. It’s PTSD, Dysmorphia and a suspected Dissociation disorder but it’s not clear what.
I started receiving private therapy sessions around autumn last year after an unfortunate incident with a couple of neglectful doctors. One who asked questions and one who wrote down the things I said. The one asking me questions seemed to keep me on edge and would go back and fourth on subjects, not consistency before moving on. This lead to confusion and discomfort. The one writing couldn’t seem to follow at all and this lead to a very messy report which I would later receive. Instead of double checking and correctly writing information it was half done; along with several obvious lies.
Around the start of my therapy it was discovered I had held back so much that I found myself unable to properly communicate my feelings and experiences without anxiety so instead it was moved on to my interests from books to music. A suggestion was made: I could write it as a story or I could write songs to explain my feelings.
Since November I’ve been writing down random lyrics and adding them into songs or editing them to fit themes. I have learned about myself greatly using this and earlier in January I also discovered a few things about myself and the world around me.
One song in particular was the rock thrown into the pond which started a seemingly endless ripple. I wrote it based on the music of my preteens and early teens and I wrote to a playlist that had bands such as All Time Low, Black Veil Brides, to singers such as Kesha or Avril Lavigne. After I finished the song which held some very deep feelings I began to explore the communities I was semi part of or the things I highly enjoyed. My best friend at the time was part of the emo and scene kid groups and I was jealous. I was unable to join in due to money issues and semi strict parenting so I opted to hate over envy and jealousy.
After exploring my old interests, hobbies and music I decided to look at the styles and community once again which was and still is gradually building up on social media making the 2020s the rawring 20s. There’s people out there who dress in Edwardian clothing to the 1950s with rockabilly outfits and petty coats. So what was stopping me? The concern that I would be embarrassing? That it was too late? My body? I pointed out the things I actually liked about myself and then looked at the things I didn’t like. What can I do to improve them? I decided after a few days now an adult with money and new found freedom that I would do the things I wanted to do but couldn’t.
I’ve been working on weight loss which thankfully I don’t have much to work on as I’m already a decent size and I’ve been looking into the clothing and accessories to suit my style. I already own many goth and punk stylised clothing which will help with my own style.
It’s been an extremely rough journey so far but I’m happy to go into the right direction even if I don’t actually want it. Hopefully I’ll continue to post my progress.
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Xx_𝓢𝓬𝓮𝓷𝔂𝓪_xX
SUPER relatable mood. I find myself in a very similar situation.
Here's to the rawring 20s finally giving us what we wanted all along!
Tirful
Wholesome content – good for you choosing to follow your own path and be the person you always wanted to be. I've actually been doing a similar thing recently – I used to be an emo in my teens but then when I went to uni and worked jobs the social pressure and general intolerance of a lot of people/places got to me and I started dressing and acting a lot more "normal". Only in the last year or two have I really started to realise I need to claim back that individuality and have been rediscovering my roots and style as a more alternative person :)