i have no interest in being happy, only satisfied. a vent

i have no interest in being happy, only satisfied.

i have no interest in being happy, only satisfied.

i have no interest in being happy, only satisfied.

this phrase has been on my mind for a while. it's not like i haven't tried being happy. or hoping for it. i even researched it and all, like i tend to do with things. i read psychology articles, went to therapy, read The Why Café (you know, that one book by John Strelecky that is supposed to change your life). i know happiness, theoretically. it's a complicated thing. pleasure and meaning. safety. feeling secure enough to be able to look forward to the future and anticipate what's in it for you. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is there, somewhere, as well.

it's complicated. and too hard for me to ever achieve.

of course, it doesn't mean i am giving up completely. but after a certain point, it hurts less to keep your expectations low. just looking at the pyramid of needs, the second level of it won't ever be truly achieveable for me. chronically mentally ill, neurodivergent. materially insecure, because of the previous two. well, at least i can try achieving something, right? satisfaction may not be a substitute for happiness, but it is it's great component. learning a skill, satisfying curiosity through research.

ahedonia.

maybe you know the feeling of being surrounded by people living a life you've wanted to live.

i wanted to be a biotechnician. i wanted to be a dental technician. funny thing of failing school because of your shortcomings is seeing people who don't give a fuck who get to learn things you miss out on. to graduate. it's frustrating. it feels unfair. why does it feel unfair when the problem feels like it is only mine?

all i've ever wanted was to be satisfied. i can't achieve even that.