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Dear Dreamgirl, Sunshine and the other names I had made up for you so long ago,
I found your letters today, and feeling the weight of them in my hands, I felt I'm finally being able to process this and let it go. So as a send-off, I'm writing you one last letter.
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we're friends now and it's been smoothed over, but I don't think I could just forget about what we had after so long. You shaped me, you helped me grow into who I am today and I am grateful, even for the fights, the bad times and the lies. We both weren't perfect, not entirely good for each other, but we had each other's backs. The sun and moon always meet again at dusk and dawn, always hold each other up and shine. I feel you'll always keep that place you have in my heart, shining. You shine so much now, have grown so much and are finding yourself so, so well. I am so proud of the person you have become today, and honored you forgave me after all those times. I truly don't deserve it, but your judgement is better than mine, so I will have to trust you.
As for the letters, the songs, the art, the playlist; I listen to the playlist I made you often, am listening to it now to get inspiration as I write. I come back to it for comfort, longing and yearning as I do, but in a different way this time. It's fond and full of nostalgia, reminding me of those late night conversations, walking home together and seeing each other after long breaks, back before you moved. I kept the letters in the very same box I showed you, told you about. I haven't been able to read them, but I will always keep them to cherish and preserve, to show what I have moved on from, and one of the best times of my life, remembering those days spent in your arms under the trees, and sharing scarves in the winter winds atop the wretched school on that hill.
However, those days are over, and those versions of us are over. I know I am still fragments of that person inside, but I have grown. I have never stopped loving you and never stopped thinking about you, have never had anyone in the place you once kept, but I feel it's finally time to keep going and live in the present. I mourn our love like the loss of a long gone ancestor, the way you keep their possessions and think about them from time to time. Waves of sadness hit me when I think about it too much, but they've quelled from a sharp sting to a dull ache, the way scars and broken bones continue to change and feel pain long after healing. When winter comes, I think of our winters and when summer comes, I mourn the summers spent being foolish and leaving you alone. I shouldn't have played with your feelings like that, and for that I am eternally sorry.
Although I am no longer that person, no longer your Moonpie, I will hold her memories, and I will remember her. The box of letters, memories that aren't mine to remember anymore will remain, as the memory of Dreamgirl and the Dreamer, Sunshine and Moonpie, ancient scripts of a time long before.
And with that, I say goodbye to Moonpie. She will always reside within me, but will never control me in that way again, full of greed, yet full of love, full of anger and hatred, yet full of longing and wishing you'd come back. I only look back with love and the regret of never apologising fully, as I do not wish to hurt you through memories the way I would have hurt you back then.
I love you always; and no matter what, am waiting with open arms as the person I am today. I will stay your friend, remember every little detail you had told me and will tell me in the future. You were right about the blank slate thing, the reconnecting thing and wiping the record clean- I no longer feel so hopeless or that intense longing, but feel peace. I love you, I'm glad we're friends, and if you ever friend me on here or discover this, please tell me, and I can explain this if you want ? Or don't, you can decide what to do.
Maybe someday I'll be able to read those letters again.
Forever lingering,
Esokalis.
P.S. happy birthday for next weekend :]
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