Contradicting contradictory contradictions

Does anyone else's life feel very contradictory? It kind of feels like when you try to solve a problem that DOESNT HAVE ANY ANSWER so you're just left sitting there on the floor whining.

I just have a problem with everything! I want everything to be the way I want it to be! I can't have that, of course, so for years I've tried to find ways that I could satisfy myself and be a functional part of society...and I Can't. Find. Anything!!!!!!!

I haven't found a single way to live peacefully in reality without completely draining my brain juice and refilling it with some rando gas from a half-full can that's labeled "LOL suck it up loser. Real life doesn't care about how uncomfortable you are"..

MY GOSH! I do wish I could just be completely at peace with everything and not have hopes, dreams, or ambitions that could ever be able to be crushed or pushed aside! Just a blissful state of absolute acceptance that if I don't play the game how it is meant to be played, I don't get a turn at all~

It..isn't like everything is painful, though... It's almost like walking up an endless staircase that's uncomfortably steep? Your legs burn (not hurt), you can't see what's in front nor behind you, you have no idea why you're climbing or where you're going, but you know you're moving by you're own free will. You sit down on one of the steps to take a break but all you can focus on is the cold and almost sharp stair, how cold you feel now that you're not moving, how badly you want to sit on this step forever despite the cold, despite the discomfort, just because you don't know how much longer you'll have to climb but you know that you've been going for so long that there's no way you'll ever get back to where you came from.

So you just sit. It's awful and it kills you but you need to go, you need to move- to be anywhere but here. The pain is so blinding and it climbs up your body and drags you down, but it's the most you've ever felt anything. Moving on further up the staircase would rid you of all of that feeling but you'd be moving. You don't want to move, but, GOD, you need to. SO you stand and keep climbing the stupid endless staircase and wish that you'd feel more, feel less, for that hurt to climb a little higher, a bit lower, that your legs would feel better, that they'd burn so bad that they give out.

The eternal dissatisfaction of having so much that it feels like you have nothing!

Of having so little that you feel like you have everything!

I would love to feel better but I know that I'd hate it. I want to feel worse just so people would treat me with care and caution, but I DESPISE attention.

Someday everything will exist all at the same time and nothing will ever be! Someday I will have everything I want and will own nothing! Someday I will be able to speak while not having vocal cords! Someday the number 4 will not be in the 4th spot! Someday "nothing matters" will be the most important phrase!

- Satori