I'm not depressed

I'm far from that feeling of rock bottom and I'm familiar with that feeling. I have no reason to be there. I've got everything. So why is it that I don't feel anything the way I used to? My emotions both positive and negative (there's no difference but follow me for a second) felt so real to me at the before. The happiness, the humiliation, the tears, the anger, the longing, the confidence, the expectations both met and failed, the authenticity of it all. Now I don't feel anything like I used to. I don't desire anything anymore, not really. The feeling of realizing over and over again that I'm alone, whether I'm with people or not, is simply what I make it.

It feels like I've dissociated myself in two. One part of me is human. Flawed, fleshy, and warm; undeniably so. The other is the one who follows me, but who I also see right in front of me. Someone who loves herself and doesn't look back. I've recognized the part of myself that realizes all I've ever had is myself until the end of perception. Right now I'm a passenger in the backseat of this human experience. Do I want love from an equal counterpart 'seperate' from my physical body? To satisfy the human that I am? Or is it my human self trying to crawl back to the front seat and feel again even when it hurt? I am deserving of what I want, I know that.

I trust myself to make the right decisions and to recognize that counterpart when I see them; I know I'll be happy because I am now. What I'm trying to say is that I'm excited when the desires turn into things and people for me to enjoy. I wonder if I've seen you already! Can we have a codeword? Our own language? Would you call me your little duck? Quack, quack?

I always loved the idea of rotting with someone.