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DAY 17 of being lost at the grocery store as a kid and walking up to random ladies till i find my mother

HELLO! i almost forgot to do an entry today omg. where am i....


- Physical Activity

i went on a very short walk while walking a friend back and forth to her house! (more on that later!) but, it wasnt nearly enough. i yearn for walks. the analogy between me and a dog keep me up at night. Its both devastating and like a “oh. I get myself a bit more.” 

- Schoolwork
I DIDNT DO SHIT!!! >< all i did was message my project group member and ask what day he was available! 


- Art
I DIDNT DRAW EITHER, today i was a bit unavailable to just sit down and do things! You’ll see why later. 


- Organization
I think when i mean organization, i mean chores and just keeping something clean. Like organizing my life, almost. I did my laundry!! And then dried it! I organized some things in my room, and then I packed my bag! But i didnt do any heavy cleaning or anything. Just some chores! 


- Socialization/Attitude Improvement/Event participation
OKAY today im staying overnight at what is basically the house that a bunch of college girls stay at. Specifically turkish girls! The turkish community is very strong where i live! Enough to help eachother out with finding roommates and stuff. They even help with the rent, it’s nice. I think the house owner is also turkish? And is renting it to the college girls? I DUNNO! I JUST LOVE BEING TURKISH BC WE’RE EVERYWHERE BRO. I WENT TO NEW YORK AND HEARD TURKISH EVERYWHERE. I WENT TO FLORIDA AND TURKISH PEOPLE STILL THERE. YOU CANT ESCAPE US AND ITS A BLESSING AND A CURSE

But anyways. Yeah! I am there! We have a mentor though, she’s basically a religious mentor and she noticed my nails were painted (In Islam cant pray with nailpolish, it doesnt let the water touch your nails when youre getting Wudu. Wudu is required for you to do daily prayers.) so she asked a turkish neighbor BECAUSE OF COURSE THERE ARE EVEN MORE TURKISH PEOPLE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD for nail polish remover!

In all honesty, i am not the most religious person. I believe in islamic beliefs and most values, but, i dont live the muslim lifestyle. I should but idk….im not completely at peace with ALL the values and messages. Some things dont sit right with me. It is what it is. 

I am more intrigued by the meaning of religion and what it says about human beings than the practice of the religion itself. I dont want part in some of the horrors of religion, but it is the horror, devastation, devotion, delusion, hopelessness AND hopefulness of it. i want to dissect it. i dont want it to dissect me, i cant handle that.

And i was a bit like agh. Cant believe i have to take off nailpolish i painted just yesterday to be performative for my mentor figure. BUT I ADORE HER! SHE DOES A LOT FOR ME AS A PERSON. So, idc. if it makes her happy for me to pretend, i dont mind it. i dont LOSE anything. Butun ojelerim ona feda olsun, onun hatri icin herseyi yaparim. Canim ablam. 

Anyways, I THINK IT WAS FATE, THOUGH! Because the nailpolish remover she asked for, a teenage girl, who I used to go to the same highschool with, delivered! Lets call her Z! Shes kinda stoic-ish, and i hadnt caught up with her in a while! And i thought hey, she probably thinks of me as “the girl i used to talk to two years ago”, we had one study hall together but was later moved classes anyway. BUT? TO MY SURPRISE? SHE SEEMS TO LOOK UP TO ME. I DIDNT EXPECT THAT AT ALL!!! Im 2 years older than her, but i dont particularly look up to every rando that is 2 years older than me. I feel very neutral about most people! So, i expected the same. 

I invited her in because SHE WALKED TO DELIVER THIS TO ME. i wanted to sit down and have tea with her! I asked Z for book and movie recommendations, because i am always open to that stuff. And i know she has good taste. Sometimes you can just tell that someone definitely reads and watches interesting things. 

She said she’s reading The Stranger by Albert Camus right now, but in turkish. Added it to my list. She also gave me some other recommendations!! Like music, movies, and series! 

A lot of people i talk to are at first nervous to share with me, but when i let them know hey. I like weird stuff. And ease them, they get excited to share with me too! Im happy to do that service to people, and hey! I GET TO READ, WATCH, AND LISTEN TO COOL STUFF TOO! And then we get to bond together over this new experience! ^^ how exciting!

We talked a bunch, i was happy she valued me so much. I usually assumed people think of me as some guy or chick, and so i dont have any expectations at all with people! Im just some guy. I dont expect people to remember things, but when they do i am easily excited.LIKE, WHAT! YOU REMEMBERED THAT ABOUT ME?? Wah……i feel so touched!

And then my friend of like 3-4 years (The one who gave me book recommendations on the Friendsgiving night! We can call her Ece. She’s very dear to me) came to the house, we bantered because. Yeah. we love eachother, its all for silly funnies.
But then i asked Ece if she’s been watching anything interesting lately, AND I SAW Z PHYSICALLY GET A LITTLE SAD. SHE EVEN SAID “You ask anyone for recommendations, huh….and here i felt so special..” OH MY GOD I TURNED MY HEAD 180 DEGREES AND PANICKED, NO Z, YOU ARE SPECIAL! YOU ARE I SWEAR! SHE SEEMED SO SAD, LIKE SHE USUALLY HAS A VERY VERY NEUTRAL FACE? SHES VERY ._. . SO WHEN SHE WENT :[ I WANTED TO GRAB HER BY THE SHOULDERS AND HUG HER! NOOOO NO DONT SAY THAT!!!


I tried to explain to her like HEY!! HEY YOU ARE SPECIAL. LISTEN TO ME, LISTEN, YOUR TASTE IS VERY DIFFERENT TO HERS. YOU SEE HER? I POINT AT ECE. SHE LIKES NERD SCIENTOLOGY SHIT. YOU LIKE PSYCHOLOGICAL HORROR AND THRILLER STUFF. ULTIMATELY, I WILL ALMOST MOST DEFINITELY ENJOY YOUR RECOMMENDATIONS MORE. LISTEN, PLEASE. YOURE SO SPECIAL!!!

We hangout and talked a bit more, and me and my friends already had plans to get frozen yogurt tomorrow, SO I INVITED Z TOO! She was quiet when we were talking about it, because she doesnt want to intrude, BECAUSE SHE’S POLITE LIKE THAT! BUT I WANT EVERYONE INVOLVED, AND I WANT ESPECIALLY HER TO FEEL HAPPY! I didnt expect her to get so happy and smile when i invited her!!! She’s so sweet i wish only the best things onto her.

I dont know, when i was 16, all the 18 year olds were in seniors or in college and I didnt look up to them at all. theyre just some kids? being a year or two doesnt immediately make anyone immediately admirable.


Anyways now i have plans with Z and my turkish friend group to get frozen yogurt. Im the only one with a job, so i plan to treat everyone. I walked Z back to her house, and after all that, i was grateful for wearing nailpolish and being kinda forced to take it off. Its fine, yknow? I got to bond with Z! And i wouldnt have minded either way.


- Hydration!
Not the most hydrated today, i had multiple cups of water just now though. But i spent the day drinking multiple cups of turkish tea, very yummy. And also that’s kinda just what happens when you hangout with the turkish group, a lot of tea drinking. Some sunflower seeds cracking and eating. Really hoping it doesnt affect my skin ;~; please, sunflower seeds…have mercy. Do not have consequences, pretty please.


- Healthy eating habits.
Nahhhhhh i didnt do ANYTHING TODAY HUH! I ate yummy food my friends mom made. It was delicious, it was filling, AND THEN WE HAD DESSERT TOO! AND WERE HAVING FROYO TOMORROW. i didnt have 3 meals, but 1 really filling one is enough. IS IT HEALTHY? GOD, PROBABLY NOT. I LOOK FORWARD TO FROYO TOMORROW. I REGRET NOTHING. 


- Learning something new!
Got recommendations from Z! I count bonding with Z as learning something new. She really showed me some things she’s interested in right now, and i feel like i learned a lot about her!

 Im just happy to have positive relationships with people. i dont tend to talk to a lot of people younger than me. Im the youngest in most of my friend groups, and i join a lot of official meeting stuff with “proper adults”. I dont feel adult-like, i do things like think about sharks all day and see ramona flowers and go “me fr.” only the series version, im not like movie her or comic her. 

Today kinda made me notice, i dont have a full idea of what people think of me AT ALL! I had an entire ramble-rant here, where i explain how everyones different perceptions of me are incredibly different from eachother. YET, all of its true. But its ALL me. i went in depth about the different comparisons and such i get, but i think i went off topic waaay too much.

Hey, if it helps to imagine my personality, im just like Utena from Revolutionary girl utena. That's who i personally relate to! oh but im also like Wakaba. they literally have a fight and. theyre both still me i dont know man

BUT I get compared to both Caitlyn from Arcane AND Kel from Omori.

yeah, i dont know what to tell you either. A serious soldier type character who is Lawful Good and also KEL FROM OMORI. HOW DOES THIS MAKE SENSE? I dont know, but im here to tell you. i AM both. THEYRE RIGHT. im both Dib AND Gir from Invader Zim. it doesnt make any sense, and yet it is me.

MUSIC! Maybe i can update later when i check out Z’s recommendations!!! I listened to This cover of Talk by Beabadoobee A LOT though. 

I honestly love her voice so so much, and listen to her other covers as well! I wish she did even more covers, its so good ;; i like her Break It Off - Pink Pantheress cover a lot too! I think ive had this cover on loop longer than the actual song. But also i listen to guitar and bass covers of this song a lot too. 

Bugun IRL cok turkce konustum, hic yazasim yok. Turkce yazmayida aksatmak istemiyorum, ama bence bugunluk benim icin bu kadar yeter!!! basim agriyo saat 3 olacak ;;

I spent a lot of this blog talking about Z, but i think somehow interacting with her left a big impact on me. i want her to be happy! it kinda reminded me, keeping up with people i spoke to in the past can make them happy. just cause i assume my interactions arent that impactful, and theyre fine if i dont reach out, doesnt mean the other party thinks the same way. i dont want her to be another gift on the top of my dresser. 

anyways! GOODNIGHT! todays entry is a bit all over the place, ill be more collected tomorrow. uu it is what it is, i think this one was also a bit too personal. its fine, if i dont feel the same way in the morning editing is always an option. uu i dont like changing too much, the point is to document daily. but it is what it is  



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deniz🌈

deniz🌈's profile picture

TURKISH WORLD DOMINATION !!! TURAN WILL BE REAL IN 3 SECONDS 💥💥
and, they call it Wudu in english??

also, your story with Z was quite wholesome, agreed :D enjoy your froyo tomorrow !! (or today idk)


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TURKISH WORLD DOMINATIOONNNNNN GRRAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
simdi turkcede abdest almak ama, arapcada al wudu diye geciyor. ingilizcede abdeste hitab ederken arapca versiyonuyla soyluyorlar! bu namaz ve baska sozlerle de gecerli.

i dont wanna islamic info dump but i know way too much about religion ;; there is a chunk of my brain specifically reserved for religious lore, and its involuntary. help

:]]]]] I DID ENJOY THE FROYO!! im glad u enjoyed the story ahhh i have interactions like this a lot in my life jdfkgh maybe i should write them more! thank you thank you :))))

by ISCARIOT; ; Report

haa, makes sense o zaman. niyeyse abdesti Arapça bir kelime olarak düşünmüştüm ben (Farsçadan geçmiş Türkçeye şimdi baktım ben de)
bende de aynısı bu arada :D ateist olmama rağmen beynimde çok fazla islam hakkında bilgi var !! çevremdeki müslümanlar "sen niye biliyorsun bu kadar şeyi" falan diye beni sorguluyorlar bazen lol

AND YES!! you should write more and you're welcome ^^

by deniz🌈; ; Report

Slip_Moth

Slip_Moth's profile picture

Honestly, that was such a Wholesome little story. Also a reminder for me to check up on some people that I've been meaning to. I don't know, reading that put a smile on my Dial.

BTW, I second The Stranger, it's the perfect encapsulation of Camus and his philosophy. So if you enjoy the book, it opens doors for understanding some of his other works better and also understanding works of other authors better, like Kafka.


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ive noticed i get the "wholesome" comment a lot when i tell an exerpt from my daily life dfhgk i never noticed how im surrounded with so much good uu;; im glad it made you smile :DD yes yes, check up on the people you care for!!! i struggle with this a lot, and it makes people anxious that i dont care but. im so empty in the head, i have actual jello for brains when it comes to memory. it isnt on purpose at all ;; SO DONT BE LIKE ME! check in w friends!!!

hmmm okay okay ill for sure read it then!!! its less than 200 pages anyway right? ill read it soon and report back :33
also i know you like kafka a lot, and the propaganda is working lolol i am intrigued and wanna read his works, but i dont really know where to start? ^^;;

by ISCARIOT; ; Report

I was just using Kafka as an example because I don't read many absurdist books besides him and Camus but I'd recommend starting with The Trial. Also I took your advice and I made plans with a few old friends. Thank you

by Slip_Moth; ; Report