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sighhh. . . . . . . .

i should be studying for uni but im so unmotivated its crazy. i dont even feel like doing anything else, i just dont wanna study. i know, i sound like a highschooler, but i cant help it - uni is a nightmare for me.

now dont get me wrong, i like philosophy. its super interesting and i'd love to learn more about it, but its just the fact of having to do things... why cant i just insert knowleadge to my brain? like a disc? 

and the people out there. god, i cant even force myself to be any intrested in them. a mere thought of having to interact with them is so repulsive to me. i do sometimes, of course, interact with them, but none of it is geniuine and i have to act to come off as nice. recently i've heard that people like me. it was flattering, but i was surprised. are people really attracted to this kind of social nonchalance?

most days i just spend alone. sometimes i feel lonely - so lonely i wanna rip my heart out. but most days i spend by myself. im okay with it in some way. i dont have to deal with anyone's bs. deep inside i always dreamed about a large friend group i'd spend time with. its funny, because i never do anything to fulfill that dream. i like dreaming about it, but when i actually have to confront people, i feel nothing but disgust and anger. i wonder if this condition has any name


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