I don't want to seem ungrateful, but it feels as if we're struggling. I'm referring to my life situation, and by "we," I mean my brother and I. Our parents are sort of out of the picture now. It feels strange. I don't think I'm used to this yet. I think I mentioned this in another post, but it's really just been my brother and I now. We're home alone every day, and I haven't seen my parents in the same house together in a while. My mom has moved out and my dad is in another town, I think.
We haven't had good food in a while now, and for the food we do have, we don't have the proper ingredients to actually prepare it. We live in an ingredient household, I guess. I wish we could have someone else do the chores and cooking for us, like mom back then. Our mom does the grocery shopping for us, but the last time she went she only got us milk, butter and something else. Can't remember. Now that all that is gone, our fridge is almost empty. I don't want to have to ask her to go shopping again, I don't want to ask her anything. It feels as if she sort of half-asses the shopping now. I never liked having to ask for things anyway.
Yesterday, I only had a Starbucks drink for breakfast and 3 bites of rice for dinner. I had skipped out on eating lunch and stayed in bed for the majority of the day. I had lost my appetite and was no longer hungry after the rice was done and it felt like drinking water was the cure. I don't think I drink enough water.
Today, I ate a small bag of Funyuns for breakfast and pasta for lunch. I think I'll just eat pasta again for dinner or something. I never cared for eating leftovers. I'll eat anything that tastes okay, I don't really care. As long as it is edible and has an alright taste, I'll eat it.
I just wish we had a different life. I want to live the life of a regular teenager in a small town, but the life I want to live is nothing short of a fantasy. I'm stuck here until I move out or die basically. How convenient that we live right next to a cemetery, haha. I wonder how different I would feel if I had a more comfortable life with a present family. I wonder how different I would feel if I was a regular teenage girl, who was annoying and naive. I want to wear cute clothing, and have fun with friends and experience the experiences of a normal teenage girl, no matter how mundane. I want something worth looking back to, if that makes sense. I want to have that fun, but I can't. I'm rotting away in my bed (or moreso, my mom's bed because she doesn't live here anymore.)
I know this is going to sound gross and I'm sorry for that, but I need to make a confession. There were these few times where I would fall asleep and forget to brush my teeth and take a shower. I remember an event that happened on Friday, where I had fallen asleep and didn't take a shower. I usually take showers every day. The next day when I woke up, I noticed my hair looked just a bit greasy and I tried my best to hide it. The friend had actually commented on it, saying something like "Hey, your hair is looking a bit greasy... hehe." She meant it in a joking way (I hope) and I quickly defended myself by saying that I shower every day. I really didn't want to admit that I hadn't taken a shower the night before, and that's why my hair appeared a bit greasy. It's gross, I'm sorry. It happened again last night, where I had just... fallen asleep? And forgot to take a shower and brush my teeth. I don't know why I've been getting more and more sleepy, I used to be able to stay up but now I think the loss of sleep is getting to me. Curse this body and mind. I think my self care and hygiene are getting messed up, but I'll try to fix it.
Another thing I want to bring up is the fact that my clothes are getting holes in them now, and I think I'll have to wait until my birthday (which is in 4 days) or Christmas to get new clothing. One of my favorite pair of leggings have a hole on the back of it, around my thigh area that I didn't know about until I came home from school one day. I always wore those leggings, even if they were a bit too long for me.
This reminds me of how I once wore a plain black shirt to school, and was unaware that it had a hole in it. One of my "friends " pointed it out and made fun of it. It was really embarrassing. I always wear the same thing every day, and I sort of don't want to get new stuff but I have to. It's pretty embarrassing to have to admit that most of my clothing have holes in them now, and I haven't gone shopping for new stuff in months, or maybe a few years? Don't know, but it's been a while. I don't want to have to ask my mom to take me clothing shopping.
It's the same thing with my shoes. I've been wearing the same shoes for weeks, months or something. I do that a lot. I wear the same pair of shoes for the entire school year, barely changing them. I say that as long as they work and they don't have holes in them or anything, I'll be fine but I sort of want at least one new pair of shoes. I'm getting greedy, aren't I? Lol
I am a poor girl, basically. I'm a loser as well, a good for nothing scum bag haha. I feel sleepy and I just want to go to sleep forever. Is that too much to ask for? Of course it is, can't be too still when life is always moving forward. All I ask for is to have my wishes and questions answered, and I think I'll be fine. I hope.
I'm sleepy and I want to sleep forever.