Identity Vol.15

This is going to be a strange post, I apologize for that. I just sort of want to recount some memories from my life, from the past or something. I want to share some random experiences with whoever finds this post, whoever that may be.

There were these few times where I was forced to go with my dad and brother to a town 14 hours away. I always packed a small backpack with all my stuff in it. For the few times that we visited that town, we always stayed at a shitty, one room motel. I remember eating IHOP or something like that for breakfast at like 4 or 5 AM, it was pretty cold. I didn't bring a sweater, I acted as if I wasn't cold. 

The reason I had to go was because my mom told me to, and I had no choice but to obey her. I never truly enjoyed my time there, I just sat there and drew or spent my time on my phone. I'll admit it here, the reason we go over there (at least to my knowledge) is because my dad works with... a certain kind of plant over there. Its like a ranch or something. My brother helps out, he knows what he's doing. I sit in the car for hours, talking to myself. There was a day where I had missed a school day because of one of those trips, and one of my friends asked me where I was. I was too embarrassed to tell her.

This other thing is more like an almost regular occurrence, I guess? Not really regular but i dont know how to say it. It's when my brother is working on more blunts(?) Or something, I don't know if they have a name. He rolls them up in a cone shape thingy and sometimes asks me to hold them still so he can put some wax(?) He melts in the "wax" using a lighter. Its gotten on my hand and pants before. He has a bag of cannabis or something underneath his bed. My dad asks him to make some, and my brother has everything he needs in his old desk he used to use for school. It's pretty messy. There's bits of that stuff all over the desk. 

Another thing that still happens is that my brother will always play the same rap songs, and even when I don't know any of their names, I can recognize them. Another thing I remember is actually when my mom had to deliver some cannabis(?) To a random house. I don't know much about it, but it was in a bag. I've actually seen my brother and dad have the stuff splayed out on the kitchen table. I remember being disgusted by the smell and wanting to tell at them to throw it away or something, but I never did. It was gross. 

My brother hasn't made one of those thingies since, and plays video games by himself or with his friends. They usually talk about girls or drama there. I remember once seeing a bottle of alcohol on a little table while my brother played a video game or something. I think he was drinking it. 

That small memory brings me back to when my mom would drink a bunch of beer bottles. She would finish them in ONE NIGHT and leave the bottles on the dinner table. I wonder if she's an alcoholic? Yeah, that doesn't seem too far off. Now that she doesn't live here anymore,  there has not been a beer bottle or something in sight. I'm not too sure if she still does that, though. I hate alcohol, it dumbs you down and makes you stupid. 

Hey, is anyone around here on food stamps? We get food stamps, and we get money. I know they're for low to no income households, which is pretty embarrassing to say here. I don't even know what kind of job my mom works now, and I dont want to admit what my dad does. Everyone has such normal families, I wish I could have that. I've only ever told one friend about it, and I hope she forgets. 

I want to move out of here so badly, I want to get out of this shitty neighborhood and this shitty town. I wish we were a rich family, so I could have some money and meaning to my name. I don't care if it fucks with my mind, I wanna live like a fool with a life to live. God knows it will probably stay like this though.