BIG VENT (TW: violence, s3lf h4rm, su1c1de mentions, d34th)

Oookay, more than 13 years ago, my mom and dad met (the worst thing that could have happened), my mom managed to get out of poverty and graduate as a professional, and my dad was in a lower middle class working as a cab driver and without having studied at the University. 

They fell in love (probably because of my dad's manipulations), and I was born. 

But, my dad used to beat my mom, once he hit her so hard that she couldn't take it anymore, she went to report him to the police and they arrested him, my aunt and my grandmother went to scold her, that it was all her fault and to go to the police station and get my dad out of jail, that didn't work, but my dad's manipulation did, they got him out of jail and he came back to live with us. 

3 years later, my brother was born, everything was the same, I listened to my parents' fights every night, they were gone all day long from very early in the morning until very late at night, none of them were present, my dad drank all the time, and my mom yelled at me for everything. 

since I was 4 years old I had suicidal thoughts, maybe if I try to die they will give me attention, that's what I thought. 

One of the many things my mother would do, was when I didn't eat (she doesn't cook that well), first, she would make me eat by force, sometimes hurting my lips with the utensils, then force me to go to my room, film me crying and then show me watching so she could see how "stupid" and "ridiculous" I looked, and then she would lock me in my room all afternoon for me to learn my lesson, now I can hardly cry. 

My dad used to pull my hair as a joke, if I cried, I was a drama queen. 

My neighbors were my "friends" but they always excluded me and made fun of me, now I have a hard time expressing myself and I am unsure of myself. 

My brother went to kindergarten, my dad cheated on my mom with my brother's teacher (she is now his girlfriend), but my mom believed his lies. 

After 2 years, everything got worse, my mom was yelling at me to a more, even making me cry she started to be demanding with my grades. 

In 2017 we moved to the country, it was my dad's choice, there everything had just started. 

The fights were getting more and more intense, at that point I had already had 9 suicide attempts, until, they divorced, they lied to me, liars liars liars liars liars liars liars liars, they told me that my dad had a charger left at his mom's house, my grandmother, I believed them, liars, I waited for him, I wanted to talk to him, I never imagined he would be gone forever, hours went by, he didn't come, he told me that since it was too late he was going to sleep at his mom's house, I wasn't that stupid, liars liars liars liars liars liars liars, I realized, I started crying, I cried for weeks, I still haven't recovered. 

After that, the routine was listening to my mom yelling at me and victimizing herself, mom, I love you, don't say no, I love you, do you love me?, she doesn't act like she loves me, I cry in the shower, I tremble at her voice, I get scared when I hear her footsteps, she scares me, mom don't hurt me, not again, she told me that if it wasn't illegal she would hit me with the broom until she broke my back, mom, love me, please. 

It is sad to see how my brother is slowly decaying into a similar state of mind to mine. 

I want to escape from here. 

I have witnessed my pets squirm and agonize to death, almost always my dad's fault (they were all accidents). 

I hate my body, I look in the mirror and violently take off my clothes to claw at my body while crying, why I wasn't born prettier?....I hate it