She's still here

She sits inside my chest, a weight I hate to carry, I hate her.

I cover her up in my heart, putting up spikes and walls, I can't let anyone get to her.

She's not me anymore though, I threw her away to be me. But I'm not even me either, I don't who I am without her.

Without her I am a locked door, no one has a key to get to me, I'm a stuck door even if you think you've got the right key, something is keeping the door closed from the other side, it won't let you in.

I mourn her. She's not dead yet but I mourn how soon she will be, I have to kill her to keep me alive. I have to. I want it to be easy, I want her to forgive me, I want her to make this easy for me but she doesn't. She doesn't want to leave, I don't want her to leave but she has to.

She keeps crying in my chest, a burning sensation, I can hear her cries and feel her tears in my eyes. They're not my tears, she's still here, I don't want her to be, I want her to just leave.

I want her death to come quick and easy but instead its slow and painful. I don't want her to leave. She has to leave, I can't let her stay. I was fine with her living in my chest, I could keep my door locked and my walls up and keep her safe and protected but I can't anymore. I'm tired of fighting to keep the door closed but I don't want them to hurt her. I have to kill her. She can't stay. She has to leave, she doesn't want to leave, she has to leave, she doesn't want to leave.

I want to cry withher and tell her she'll be ok. She won't. I won't. We won't. But she has to leave, I don't want to admit why to her, I can't tell her what I've become, she won't forgive me.

I don't want to lose her.

I'm sorry.

Don't cry.

We'll be ok.