omgomgomgomg

quite a lot has happened in the days i haven't been blogging. it's honestly pretty funny that when i write it all down, it seems like i have this interesting life, but i don't really. not a boring life, just a normal one and honestly i'm more okay with that then having a life where interesting things happen by the minute. im perfectly happy to lie in my bed and scroll on tiktok.

SO fish texted me. i remained calm and gave it about an hour of ignoring him, and then he texted me again!!! which made me think he really wanted to talk, but i was still hurt. HE LEFT FOR EIGHT DAYS. I THOUGHT HE WAS GHOSTING ME. anyway, a while ago i watched a video essay on how our perception of love is messed up, and olivia (the creator of the video) mentioned communication a lot. so i REALLY communicated with him. i told him exactly how i felt and when he explained himself, which honestly felt like excuses at first, i also told him that i was confused by it all. his reason for leaving for so long was because he was going through some stuff mentally, and then the days after that - three days - were spent not texting me because he felt embarrassed. the reason he was embarrassed was because i had been dry in our last convo as i mentioned before, and he thought i actually didn't want to talk. (quick point to make : im calling it a reason, not an excuse because the reason seems valid and im not the only one who deserves respect here, even if he was a jerk.) 

the only problem is, i think it's best for me to get over him. it seems like a hasty decision out of my own anger at the fact he left, even though i've sort of calmed down now. but i didn't feel so much relief when he came back honestly. like, i was sort of disappointed. i love him, and i'm not just saying that. but let me describe the type of guy he is: 

he's into femboys, asians and latinas. he listens to phonk. he watches anime. he is a gym rat and plays video games all the time. he says gyat. 

honestly not sure how i ended up with him. not that i'm not grateful, but i was slipping back into delusional about guys who treat me good and are my type, but in a way, guys like him are my type too. anyway, to sum it up, i'm not sure how to feel about this. i'm glad he texted me. and i want to work things out but sometimes it feels like trying to communicate with a brick wall. or a six year old, which is somehow the same. he's not the most mature guy. 

on the bright side, there was a large event in my town yesterday and i bought hello kitty things. theyre so adorable. there were massive hello kitty plushies. i really wanted to buy a cinnamoroll plush, but i ended up buying a hello kitty one. she's holding a star that says "Hello Kittg" because the stitching is cheap and awful, but honestly it makes her cooler so it's fine. i also bought a hello kitty lanyard and one of the octopus plushes that turns happy one way and the sad the other, depending on which way you fold it. i also ate many churros, and went on a ride that spun me around fast and made me feel like i was going to be sick. but i handled it like a pro. 

and finally, my parents who had been overseas, returned. which meant i wasn't able to see my grandmother anymore, since she was staying with us until my parents returned (im a minor, as my bio says). she is the sweetest lady ever. my parents bought me new converses!!! and converse stickers, which were cool. i received a lot of gifts from them, im very fortunate. they also bought me silk pajamas so i feel like blair waldorf right now. 

speaking of which, i will be logging off the watch gossip girl so to the ghosts in my room (the only ones who will be reading this, i presume ＞︿＜) thanks for listening to me rant!! 

and to anyone else who reads this ily i hope u have good luck for the rest of the year 

love blake