♡

these days i don't know what to do with you anymore. and i hate the fact that this is what happens when i, myself, have failed to love.

failed to love; as in, i couldn't show it properly, i couldn't make you feel special, i couldn't make you special meals, everything. i am so, so angry that this is the outcome of my taped-up heart.

my heart yearns for when i was more carefree, more flowy, and more gentle. the days we sat together drinking the freshly brewed tea i made for us ♡ i can't undo anything i have done, and it is what ached me the most. the days where i felt more relaxed, more happy, and more bashful.

i miss when i talked to you freely and without guilt, where i was more filled with purity and delicateness. i miss the part, in my life, where i had a image of you in the back of my phone case and wallet; to show i wanted to see you more then i saw myself; rather than the picture of myself in my id picture or a polaroid of me. these days, i don't know how to show how much i am unsure of what to do with you.

i have healed emotionally and softly, but your eyes still give off the cold, burning glares, the intensely agonizing looks, and your cold, harsh voice. this is what i regret the most. i have failed to heal you when i healed myself, that is what i regret. 

i looked at the dusk; it was so breathtaking and so painful. i miss you; everything reminds me of you. you changed your hair and the way you dressed, and it hurts because i don't control you, yet i miss the old you. i miss your old personality, the heartfelt moments we cherished, the promises we held in your warm hands.. yet you still left me. you left my cold heart to freeze.

i keep saying it, but i missed you. i'm so sorry i couldn't be the best version of myself—the way i could pursue my dreams to show you how powerful i was, the way i couldn't show you the art i made, and the way i dress now, of which i was so proud of how good i looked. i can't feel proud until i think about how you would feel; if i thought you wouldn't be impressed, there's no point.

you were the special, illuminating person who dragged me to the highest point of my life. but now that you've left, i feel, hurt. and i have fallen to the bottom again. i need you back.. you cured everything about me, you fixed the holes which i couldn't fix myself. but now you left a ugly scar in my life. every day i look at you, you are a frequent sight i see, but a sight that has changed so drastically. something in whom i admire, just not in the same way.

these days i don't know what to do with you anymore, but it's okay.