Identity Vol.14

Why do I feel as if I'm still hiding a side of myself? For some reason, I still feel as if there's just something there that hasn't been discovered yet. It's like I have a weird alter ego that's just... sitting there? I don't know how to explain it correctly, but it feels as if I can't ever truly understand myself, that I'm hiding something away for whatever reason. 

There are certain feelings that just sit in the back of my mind, waiting for "something." I think it's those feelings that solidify the fact that I'm an utter piece of shit. I will try to describe this strange alter ego thing as best as I can, so bear with me:

The certain feelings that I "live" with include being mostly sadistic(?) and apathetic to people and situations around me. It's like I don't care about it, as long as it can benefit me. I think another feeling that I feel is judgement and a warped self image. I suppress these emotions and characteristics as best as I can and hide behind a "idc" demeanor. It's weird, and I can't put it into words. I'm just a bad person on the inside, and I always act on impulse. I like to say that I think before I act, but I truly don't. I just don't care, I think.

Another thing I noticed is that I can never be genuine with ANYONE, not even my absolute closest friend. I'm always hiding behind a wall, and I dont plan on breaking that wall. I'm just a faker at this point, nothing about me is genuine in the slightest. I'm always acting and hiding something, like my true personality. I also have these weird, random personality switches, but that's besides the point. I've noticed that I never truly open up to anyone, and I just can't seem to do it. I'm just shitty and no one (at least not that I know of) has noticed anything. I don't think anyone has taken into account certain mannerisms that I have, I guess. 

I just suck as a human being, and I think I don't care. Or maybe I do and I'm lying to myself. Either way, I'm bad. It's a weird thing to admit, but here we are. Like I said before, no one has ever known what I'm really like and I don't think anyone will ever know, to be completely honest. I'm constantly hiding and lying, even though I know I don't have to. Maybe I'm afraid of being judged? Don't know, but I wish I knew the root of all of this madness. 

Yeah, in conclusion, I think I have a weird alter ego thingy (i dont know any better words to call it) and I dont know what to do with it.