SEE THE ORIGINAL HERE!!! --> the greatest story of all time by hButcher (1-5 + epilogues!)
Two young men, a dude and an alien, sit in the grass. The dude, who is deathly allergic to grass and would be dead by now if it wasn't for plot armor and godtier (source needed), is DAVE STRIDER. Dave and his alien boyfriend, KARKAT VANTAS are romantically eating pizza in the deadly grass, as boyfriends do. They enjoy their pizza when all of a sudden! Dave drops his pizza!!!
KARKAT: HAAHHAHAHAH IDIOT.
KARKAT: I DON'T DROP MY PIZZA, UNLIKE YOU.
KARKAT: BECAUSE I'M NOT AN IDIOTIC SHITSPEWING SLICE OF COCK.
DAVE: haha yeah ok
Outside Dave looked fine, but inside he was dying. Behind his shades, he shed a single tear, which Karkat did not see. This is why you need to be more like Dave Strider. Dave, salty about what Karkat said about being an "idiotic shitspewing slice of cock," threw Karkat's pizza really fucking far (for comedic purposes, of course.)
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK!
DAVE: oh shit my bad
DAVE: i thought that
DAVE: that if i was an idiotic shitspewing slice of cock
DAVE: then you could be a repulsive dickfucking shitmonkey
KARKAT: WHAT. WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN.
DAVE: you suck
KARKAT: SO YOU THREW MY PIZZA.
KARKAT: GRRRRRRR I HATE YOU, STRIDER. YOU MAKE NO SENSE.
Then they made out. Because they thought they were alone. Little did they know, JOHN EGBERT was literally right there.
JOHN: what are you doing?
DAVE: holy shit hi darling
DAVE: what an unexpected surprise
JOHN: you invited me
DAVE: what an expected surprise
KARKAT: YOU INVITED THIS LOWLIFE BULGESCRATCHING PIECE OF SHIT TO OUR DATE?
DAVE: john how long have you been here
JOHN: why do you care
DAVE: im sorry
JOHN: you were literally making out with karkat
DAVE: hes my uh
DAVE: hey kk, what the fucks a kismesis
KARKAT: WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT IS HAPPENING.
VRISKA: Whats poppin 8itches!!!!!!!!
KARKAT: WELL, I WAS ENJOYING A DATE WITH MY NOW EX BOYFRIEND.
KARKAT: AND NOW THE ONLY THING THAT'S "POPPIN" IS HIS FUCKING NECK.
Karkat then proceeds to casually break Dave's neck. Dave, being the cool dude he is, keeps a straight face the entire time, and John is staring in horror, confused and terrified. But for some sick reason he was also satisfied that Dave was put in his place. That cheating bastard.
JOHN: welp, now that my boyfriends dead I can make out with you vriska! because I'm not a homosexual :D
VRISKA: well I woooooooould 8ut........
JOHN: but what?
Vriska very quickly and easily kills John. Then Karkat. And then she went and found Tavros and kicked him off a cliff. Vriska, satisfied with her killing spree, did a little silly dancey dance because she can. She was 100% sure that NONE of them would come back to life. Ever.
VRISKA: Who is this 8itch interrupting my dancey dance!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: That doesn't really answer my question...
???: oh it's gamzee
GAMZEE: YOU KILLED MY MOTHERFUCKING BOYFRIEND
GAMZEE: now im gonna motherfucking kill you
VRISKA: I'll care when you stop saying motherfucker every sentence.
GAMZEE: YOU THREW TAVROS OFF THE GRAND CANYON
VRISKA: Yeah, so what? ::::)
Gamzee proceeded to kill Vriska in a graphic way that would utilize a flip-o-rama. Then he kicked Vriska's corpse off the grand motherfucking canyon.
DAVE: yo that was sick motherfucker
DAVE: hi im dave
DAVE: i was dead a second ago
DAVE: but shh not really
DAVE: plot armor and godtier yk
Dave proceeded to dice Gamzee like a fucking chili pepper with his sick-ass katana that he has. When suddenly... TAVROS CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD??? HUH??? He was never dead in the first place, believe it or not. Gamzee was beyond happy despite literally being dead right now.
GAMZEE: TAVROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS :oD
TAVROS: gAMZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE }:D
Then they made out. Because why not at this point.
????: i warned you about those stairs bro!!!!
????: i told you dog!!!!
DAVE: it keeps happening
JOHN: omg guys!
DAVE: what the actual shit
????: i told you man i told you about stairs!
DAVE: hella..... jeff?...
JOHN: who the hell is hella jeff??
JADE: who the HELLA is hella jeff hehe :B
JOHN: haha good one jade
JOHN: but seriously
ROSE: The guy from that comic he made.
JOHN: oh that one
JOHN: DAVE WAKE UP :(
JOHN: SNAP OUT OF IT DUMMY HELLA JEFF ISNT REAL
JADE: holy balogna!!
ROSE: Rise and shine, sleeping beauty.
DAVE: im up
DAVE: what happened
ROSE: You fell down like, 3 flights of stairs. Honestly, it was kind of funny.
JADE: i have it on video!
JADE: you wanted to do a kickflip down the stairs and land at the bottom but you're REALLY BAD and tripped over your skateboard!
JADE: no offense
JOHN: you've been in a coma for 3 weeks. we've all kinda just been sitting here
DAVE: ok wait the video sounds awesome lemme see
Jade proceeds to show you the gruesome fall. It was amazing.
DAVE: holy barnicles
DAVE: that was sick
JOHN: you could've DIED!
DAVE: but i didnt
DIRK: And he has a cool scar.
DIRK: All across his body. You could say you got mawled by a bear now, dude.
DAVE: fuck yes
ROSE: Wait, when did you get here?
DIRK: Dude, Roxy and I have been here the whole time. How did you not notice?
ROSE: You guys are just quiet, I guess.
DAVE: wait where am i
ROXY: the emrgwncy room doy
ROXY: its kinda bvious
DAVE: oh makes sense
DAVE: wait so i never made out with karkat
JOHN: umm NO??
DAVE: i needa get out of here
Dave proceeds to jump out the window.
DIRK: Run, Dave, run!
Dave runs and runs as fast as he can. You can't catch him, he's the gingerbread man Dave Elizabeth Fucking Strider II.