Identity Vol.13

You know, I never thought I would be in such a position like this. I'm jealous, really jealous. I'm mad all the time, and I can never have a full day of pure satisfaction. Is it bad to want to live like a fool? It would be so nice to just live, but something just has to hold me back from actually doing that. I want to grow and change, but my inner working is stopping me. What's going on? I think I'm slowly losing it, to be completely honest. I've heard that your mind is your greatest enemy, and that truly sucks. I want to be happy and content with what I have, and yet, I can't do that. 

I can't find the energy to do what I want to do, it's always the same answer: "I'll do it later" or " I'm too tired for this."

It's like I'm wasting away, this is supposed to be the prime of my life. My childhood will only come once, and yet I'm here, doing absolutely nothing to enjoy it. It's a fleeting experience, and I will never have these years again. I'm always inside, rotting away. I think I tell myself that I'm content staying inside all the time and doing nothing, but am I? I even stop myself from going outside and actually feeling the sun. The longest I've ever gone without touching grass was two months, it was summer break. No, I'm not joking. I think I had actually forgotten what it felt like. I avoided it, and I dont know why. I don't know why I stop myself from doing anything that isn't staying at home and doing nothing. 

I always use the same excuse of "I'm too tired for this." For what? Enjoying life? You are your greatest enemy, that's right. I want to be able to enjoy the little things in life, but I can't. It's too "difficult" for me, even though it takes little to no effort. Everyone around me is happy and content. Going out with friends, going to the movie theater, I'm jealous of those experiences. Maybe I'm too scared to ask too. "Hey, mom? Can I go with my friend?" No, that's too much. I'll embarrass myself. 

This endless cycle just keeps rewinding and starting over, is there an end to this? I want to find away to get away from all of this madness, but I can't. I don't even know where to start, how to start. I don't want to live a miserable life, but I think I've convinced myself that that's okay. I'll live a miserable life as long as nothing bad happens. I want to find a way out of here, wherever that may be. I'd like to say that im a smart girl, but I know I'm as vulnerable as can be in this day and age. I'm always lying to myself, I don't even know if most of my thoughts are authentic or not. I'm always hiding "something" I never open up to anyone. I mean, truly open up. I'm too afraid for that.

I am a coward.