Identity Vol.12

You know, I thought about it for a bit and then came a conclusion that has been sitting in the back of my mind for a while, untouched. The conclusion is that most of my inner problems most likely (although other factors are at play) stem from my inability to find direction in life. I essentially live a directionless, pointless life. Most would just consider this "meaningless." If I actually had a reason to continue living, I think I would be in a much better position than I am now. Hell, if I was in a much better place, I dont even think the Identity Volumes would even be a thing right now.

Anyway, as I mentioned before, this weird sense of emptiness most likely stems from feeling like my life is just lived through autopilot mode. I don't do anything meaningful, I don't really feel anything. I'm living because I "need to," even though i dont want to. I heard someone say that you can find meaning in things such as family, but I dont even speak to my own family that much. It's pretty strained, not because they're mean or whatever (they can be pretty fucking annoying though) but because I and they don't make an effort to connect with each other. It's some weird form of a transactional relationship where the other side is unresponsive for most of the time. 

This sense of worthlessness is most likely the cause of some of my empty, negative feelings. I don't really feel anything, only when I "need to." I am just so done with everything at this point, but dying is a hassle that I don't want to go through. If we knew what happens after death and it was to my liking, maybe I would be more eager to test it out. But I won't, cause I "can't." Another thing is that I can't seem to find any meaning in anything, really. It's just like I said before, always on autopilot. My life is so mundane and a boring fucking cycle filled with little annoyances and bad feelings. I don't know HOW to find meaning in anything, my mind always drifts somewhere else before I can even try. I want to change, but wont I allow myself to do that. It feels as if I'm stuck in the same spot, unable to free myself. I wish I could get a life boat or something, float me out of here.

I am just not satisfied with anything I do anymore. Like I said right now, it's so mundane and pointless. I don't know how to change, I don't know anything that isn't something I already know. I don't know how to add meaning to a mundane life, i cant find those simple, small joys at all. It's the same shit over and over again, rewinding over and over again. I wish I could feel joy every time I wake up or something, but I always just feel empty. The emptiness has always been there, it was just now that I noticed. I wish I could drop out of school and run off somewhere. I want to go somewhere where nobody knows me, and I want to live my life in peace without people and problems bothering me.

I can't seem to ever feel satisfied for an entire day. It's just emptiness all the time, I'm tired of it. I want to be able to go an entire day feeling refreshed or "clean." It's the never ending cycle of: wake up, go to school, sleep. Repeat. I just can't comprehend how people are happy, I need to know how they can be so content. I wish I knew the answers to my problems, it would all be better if I knew what was wrong with me. I just want to sleep forever.

Sleeping is the greatest gift in the world.