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Category: Life

I have a used tablet now and I'm unlearning self-judgement.

I got a used tablet off of eBay. That was probably my first mistake. Come to find out it's a windows 8 Microsoft surface RT, meaning that it can't run .exe files, so I can't install anything that isn't in the Microsoft app store. BUT this tablet can't open the app store either, lol. On top of that the only browser this thing has is internet explorer, meaning that I basically can't access about 87% of websites because IE is outdated and not supported by... anything anymore, really. I did find that I am able to access websites with relatively simple code, which apparently includes Spacehey. I was surprised about that, especially considering all the graphics this place has (I mean, just look at my profile), but my profile was able to load perfectly. So... it's not a completely useless tablet. It also has a working version of Microsoft Word which connects what I write on here to my OneDrive, and that makes me feel better. And it also plays music!

I probably sound silly being happy about a piece of tech that doesn't even work right, but it's doing a lot more than I expected it to. The only thing is that I can't load any cloud/drive services, since I only have Intent Explorer. However I can plug my phone and my flash drives into my tablet, and I can move and store files that way. It's a bit old school, but it'll work. So I guess what I effectively have is a digital typewriter with a self-contained filing system.

I've also noticed something. There have often been times where I wanted to do something but held myself back because I was afraid of peoples' judgment. And then about a week or so ago it kind of dawned on me that nobody was actually judging me, I was just expecting them to because of my interactions with a few people in the past. But my interactions from before didn't mean that people were judging me now. And once I kind of got out of my head, I was able to observe people with more rationality and realize that people weren't even paying attention to me. So if they didn't care, but I still stopped myself from doing things because I had the idea that they were seen as something unsavory, and I couldn't let myself be seen doing something unsavory, that meant I was judging myself.

People often say that you are your own worst critic, and I know this to be true now. I've been trying to work on this judgmental part of me, being kinder to myself, and not holding me back if I want to try something, because I need to not be afraid of being myself. And letting myself do more things that I feels nice.

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