tj max fell through

7.18.23

its so fucking pointless. i dont understand why jefe is so obsessed with me getting a job right now. its impossible. no one is going to hire me in the middle of summer when i leave for college in 4 weeks. ugh. i feel so frustrated and embarrassed, especially since i just wasted the interviewers time. ugh. especially since i have a medical condition. i've just been dreading getting employed so part of me is glad it hasnt worked out with anywhere yet. but the other part knows its gonna be a big thing with jefe for some reason. but i know its fake. he doesnt actually care if i have a job or not, he just gets fixated on these ideas and forces people into enacting them. its stupid. its so pointless. and heather isnt helping this at all because i'm pretty sure she's the one who gave him the fucking idea. and everytime she talks to me she's condescending and a total asshole. she says i "need to get a job to develop proper work ethic", totally ignoring the fact that i ALREADY HAD A FUCKING JOB. (this isn't some new experience i need to grow or some shit. i already had a fucking job! I already know what that entails! this isnt some life changing experience i need, i already did that!) ALSO. Stop fucking talking to me like i'm some lazy do nothing! I've worked hard at school all throughout fucking highschool, i've taken 6 APs, gotten 4's and 5's (yes plural) worked my ass off, so shut the fuck up. AP Sem almost fucking killed me, and that's not an exaggeration. i've sacrificed so much of myself for school, for my fucking grades, i'm sick and fucking tired of being treated like i'm lazy for taking a break for 4 weeks out of 52. i'm so fucking sick of it. 

not to mention my physical disability, and the fact that, hello, the last time i had a job i overworked myself and ended up in a brace, missed several weeks of school. so fuck off. i've been working through all of that and i'm fucking sick of it. i'm sick of working my ass off for no reason. i'm sick of having to hurt myself just to be viewed as a normal person, not lazy, or without work ethic. i'm sick of being treated like this. i just need  break. please. get off my dick.

ver 2 bc i ranted ab this twice but the 2nd wouldnt upload.

ugh its so stupid. my father's been on my dick about getting a job this summer (no reason other than to order me to do something... i've already had a job previously and have a medical condition that makes it very painful to stand (which hello, is required at most jobs)) so i've applied to a shit ton of places, i've been interviewed, tell them i'm going to college soon, "yeah we actually need people who will be here", etc. nothings worked out. i don't care. i don't need a job, i already had one previously and have money saved, plus if anything this would trigger my condition which i am very scared of. but even so he and his terrible gf have no compassion for me, "you better have a backup if this falls through", they mean babysitting. which is stupid, i've never babysat in my life and i have a medical condition (AGAIN HELLO) that would not enable me to run around after them kids, so unless these kids are comatose i dont think its working. but who cares. if i dont have a little title to state "employed" they dont wanna hear it. it's really extremely frustrating. people always talk about narcissism like its just being selfish or self-centered, but its also this, these fucking delusions they get fixated on, which now is apparently "my daughter has a summer job", and will stop at nothing to get that carried out, even if its completely improbable, unnecessary, and undesired on my part. 

as for me if i dont please him its a whole fucking issue. he's contributing to my college so if i piss him off i threaten that. which is not as easy as it sounds, since he gets pissed at fucking everything. literally its not even a negative action that would affect him, its the lack of positive action. like if i only get him a card for father's day instead of a whole ass present, he's pissed. like fuck off and die. i seriously wish he would die fml.