Is this what Nirvana feels like?

The way the world works is just so unfair. I have done everything I needed to do, I've tried to plan my life around healthy habits but how can I form any when I can't sleep.

How can I wake up? How can I have energy to do anything when I can't ever sleep.

I don't have enough time to wind down from work. I don't have enough time to rest before I have to do all of it again. And everyday I feel like it's my fault and it's like the whole system is built on me believing it's my fault when I know it isn't. This isn't just about a ditzy little pipe dream regarding being free. I feel so trapped in my own life all the time.

It can never get better without it getting this much worse. Every single time. It feels better to feel nothing. I recently was thinking about how the last year felt like it went by on auto pilot and it seems to almost have been better that way. I haven't had a break down of this capacity since new years and the only thing that changed is that I tried to make things better.

It seems like any time I try to put effort into getting better and fixing my life and fixing myself and forming better habits and chasing my dreams and chasing my joy, it's always met with a deep deep soul crushing reminder that I don't think this universe ever intended to share its joy with me. It's really like I was never meant to be here and by some odd stroke of bad luck, my parents met each other, ruined each others lives and then created mine. There was nothing to give and it created a vaccum. 

Everything feels so much better when I have no control over myself. Everything feels better when I don't desire.