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Day 1, 10 things that make you really happy.

Things that make me really happy are usually things that make me calm, things that make it seem like this stressfull life is somehow worth it, even if it can be hard to live through sometimes.

1. Music

I can control it, I can control what I hear, I can control when I hear it. That makes me calm, it makes me happy.

2. Friends

This is an obvious thing to be on this list.                                                                     When I'm with my friends I don't care about anything else, I don't care about what I look like, I dont care what others think about me, everything that matters is being there with them. Laughing, running, just sitting still, having a conversation, nothing else matters because they make me happy.

3. Teachers finally caring about me

I never ask for help in class, I never hold up my hand when they ask a question, I just sit quietly at my desk the whole lesson. I thinik this kind of makes them forget me. They forget that even tho I'm quiet I might appreciate them acknowledging me, appreciate them talking to me or literally anything. You see, my teachers can be really good at talking to and asking questions to my friends, what about me? Am I invisible? This really hurts, I wish I wasn't as invisible as I make myself.

4. Good grades

One thing I do to myself is decide my worth based on my grades, if my grades are going up I'm good enough, if theyre going down I'm stupid, I'm weird, I'm not good enough. So if I get good grades that makes me really happy.

5. "Can I call you?"

As I said before I make myself invicible, even to my friends. When I'm in school I can talk to my friends but as soon as i get home it's so quiet.                                                                          Me and my friendsused to facetime regularly, but as we've grown older we have also grown quieter, we don't talk as much and we don't hang out as much anymore.                                                  Last year was the last summer I had someone to talk to outside of school. Lets call this guy Mike. Me and mike used to go in the same class but it wasn't until the last year of Swedish middle-school, 6th grade, that we became friends. I had stared playing minecraft and being interested in "gamer" stuff, I think at this time I was the only girl in our class who openly liked things like that so Mike and his friend "Vincent" Invited me to play on their server.                                                            This ended in me and Mike talking a olot on discord and teaming on this minecraft server.             Fast forward a year, 7th grade is about to end, we talk multiple times a week after school and he recently met my friend form church who is 1 year older than us, at the beginning of the summer thay secretly stat dating and on the first day of 8th grade they break up. A little while later this friend tells me about how toxic and terrible this guy were to her during their relationship, about how he threatened her with killing himself or hurting himself if she didn't hang out with him.

We both care about this guy but my friendship with this guy ended as soon as she told ne, after this I haven't really talked to him and this makes my afternoons really emty, I feel so lonley now. So if were friends, just every once in a while, call me, text me, whatever, it would make my day.

6. Flowers

Well nature really, it's so beautiful, calm, relaxing. I smile as soon as I'm alone in a beautiful part of the woods or at an open field with flowers and maybe a butterfly or a bee.

7. Dark nights

Waking home on a not so cold winter night, it doesen't have to be late because it gets dark so fast here at winter. Maybe listening to some music, snow shining in the dimm street lights, seeing me taking a deep brearh, just being there, no one around, those are some of the only moments where  I wish the way home was just a little bit longer, I don't want to get home, I want the moment to last forever.

8. Friends laughing at my jokes

You know about how invisible I feel, so when I make my friends see me, make them not feel forgotten, make them smile, make them kaugh, those are some of my happiest moments.

9. Church nights

My church has a lot of things for teenagers, those nights are some of the best nights ever. Theres no judgement, somebody taliking and then a long long time of worship and the whole room fiils up with this energy, you can trust the leadedrs there with anything, they truly care about you even if they've never met you before. If I could I would stay there forever.

10. Writing

If it's getting my thoughts out or coming up with a story, it makes me calm, it makes me happy.

I cried writing me and now I'm smiling, I need to cry more and writing is a moment where I let myself do that.