Thunderstorm

Hello! I haven't really written in a while, although it has been on my mind. I am glad to tell you I am not doing that bad!

Today has been quite an eventful day! It was incredibly hot today(as most days of summer) so my family decided to have a barbeque, since they love those. Personally, I don't really like them, so I was outside for about four hours, until I felt so hot I knew I was gonna faint if I continued being outside, so I went home. I'm glad I went outside nevertheless, I just wish I was capable to stay there longer: it was the cold breeze which whistled in my room that persuaded me to go outside, I suppose. Eventually, a thunderstorm started, as I said, a few hours later. My friend, Shayla, texted in the groupchat that there was a flood, a few things had to close and that there was a fire a few counties away from my location. Whilst the disaster was happening outside, I was on my laptop writing and editing my previous work, maybe I'll show it here sometime, but I'm totally embarrassed about it.

The thunderstorm has stopped now, but I kind of wish I was outside in the heavy rain, since I love rain! In fact, my boyfriend was stuck in the thunderstorm without any shelter, even though he called everyone he could. I wish I could've helped him, but my mother was adamant about the dangers of going outside at this time in this weather. I am glad that he eventually got home though. Oh, I also made a new spotify playlist! I think this is my 127th spotify playlist? I assume that's a lot? I love making playlists honestly; my favourite part is when I get to choose the picture lol.

Anyway, the gift I received when a visitor came over about three or four months ago was a book about English history, and although I am thrilled to read it, it's been collecting dust until now. I will finally start it today I hope. Speaking of history, the essays I wrote were handed in to the teacher a week ago, but I'm pretty sure she hasn't read it yet. I mean, I don't blame her: I've done seven pages whilst most people in my class have done a page, some have done two. I hope that by Monday, she would have read it, and I would get her judgement. Honestly, I'm kind of nervous. I mean, what if I said something wrong, or written something inappropriate, or made a typo? I'm especially nervous about the paragraphs I've done on Grigori Rasputin, since he isn't really an appropriate figure to talk about in an educational essay, but I'm sure my teacher will understand why I was required to write such things(I hope!)

Currently, it's obviously not as hot as the rest of the day. The weather app says that it's 18 degrees, but it feels a bit hotter than that to be honest. It also says the thunderstorm will continue tomorrow, and hopefully l I will manage to catch it!

Completely unrelated subject but I always hear people talk about how the moon changes color or like pink moons or something like that on certain nights, but when I stay up to look at the supposed "changed moon", it's just a normal, white moon. 

I'm sorry if my rambling has been more boring than usual, I can't say my life is much these days. I feel quite sad about that, but I can't let anyone know that. I have been feeling sad for the past days, even though my life is fine. It makes me think that I'm always meant to be sad, and I'll never get better...Just what is wrong with me? Why do I have to be this way? Nothing works to make me feel better: not therapy sessions, writing, reading, distracting myself, talking, thinking, medication or bottling it up. Nothing ever works! It's so frustrating and I'm wondering if this is how I'll always be. Oh, and to make it worse, my therapy session have completely stopped, like totally. I mean, is this my life? It just...I don't know. I don't want to live like this, I don't want this and I don't want this. I want to go back to my home country, where I belong. The only place I've ever felt happy was in Romania, and I want to go back to my family and friends and my culture and language there. I mean, I absolutely hate this fucking shit hole of a country I'm in right now. Am I supposed to be happy here? How can anyone be raised in this whoreshow of a country? I fucking hate it here and I want to go back but I know that if I tell my parents I'll ruin everything and I will just have to suck it up and try not to kill myself again. I fucking hate it here and I know that when my brother grows up he will too. I mean, why do my parents even like this place? What is so fascinating about some mindless whores sucking dicks for vapes and slurs being spat out left and right? I want to go home. The food is disgusting, the people are disgusting, the culture is disgusting, the places are disgusting and I don't belong here. Honestly, I'm just gonna end up killing myself here and they can't even notice that because England is so great and lovely to them. I mean, what the fuck? 

The rain started again, just lightly. I should probably stop and start reading that history book I spoke about. Thank you a lot for today, it meant a lot. I love you so much and I hope you have a wonderful day, bye bye love<33333