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thoughts on today/my last meeting with my best friend

these are some very scattered thoughts i wrote immediately after that meeting. i considered rewriting them to be more coherent, but i dont think that would be right.

last night i texted him again. After weeks of silence, after i had basically told him to fuck off out of my life and he had obliged.

i told him how relieved i was that he was alive. i had been having nightmares for months that he would kill himself right after his graduation, and i was incredibly relieved that he had texted me the day after the ceremony, very much still alive. i told him that late last night.

the next morning when he saw the messages i got a string of about 8 texts of him saying he was worried about me, and that he misses me. asking to talk. I said yeah, and we pretty immediately met up at the park we always used to go to and walked together. we took our favorite out of the way trail through the woods, and we talked for a good hour and a half.

we talked about everything, about all our brainworms and mental problems. he admitted to a lot of things he thought would make me think less of him but that only made me respect him more deeply for the shit hes been through. i told him a lot of shit ive never told anyone, even online. i admitted to a lot of things i really really shouldnt have, and made him promise to never tell anyone. He swore that none of this would ever leave this day, that after he got back in his car he would never speak of any of it again. he cried.

i didnt cry because its been a good three years since i did that in front of anyone, but i got close. most people wouldnt have been able to tell that, but he can read the little twitchy motions of my hands and the nervous laugh i do when im trying to keep control of myself, he knew i was upset.

he told me the others have missed me, that they had all just assumed my parents were further restricting my seeing them. that the last couple dnd sessions have basically just been him and the rest talking about me and theorizing about why i left. I said i was sorry. he said there was no anger among them. im not totally sure i believe that, but it was nice of him to say. he would never be mad at me, because he loves me, but im sure the others were at least a little annoyed at the hassle of all this.

he said after i sent that initial text he had to argue for like an hour to keep his dad from driving him over to my house and making me explain myself. his family has always loved me, for some reason. his dad says i dress cool, and bought me a really nice fancy slingshot for Christmas last year.

im going to miss all of them. i love them a lot. i love him a lot. more than i think ive ever loved anyone. i talk about him constantly. speak to him in my mind. replay moments with him and giggle at jokes he told me months ago. ive said before, meeting him momentarily made me believe in god.

Somehow i still dont have the strength to read his book.and i feel bad for that. he wrote it mostly for me. wrote me in as a character, updated me on the pages he had added each day at school. but now hes gone, i cant bring myself to use up the last bit of him i have.

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