Alone in a dark room..

No one warns you how lonely and isolating being disabled is.

It sucks to watch valued and adored friendships slip through your fingers because health issues crop up.

"I'm sorry, I can't hang out today."

"Please understand, I'm in a lot of pain right now. I wish I could join you, but.."

So many moments were spent hunched over my computer, crying my eyes out because I had to bail on plans. Or go to message someone and find myself blocked.

I didn't ask for this. It's not fair that this is happening. I wish people understand how terrifying it is to watch your life stop while everyone else's continues.

Being unable to work, or even manage relationships is heartbreaking. I can't begin to explain how much it hurts to feel like you've been left behind.

So many times I've ignored the warning signs in my body and pushed through to hang out with people - only to end up in even more pain by the end of it.

What hurts the most is feeling like a burden. ( I know I'm not. My wife and partners keep trying to reassure me, which in itself is taxing. I'm trying to curtail my anxiety over it all, but it's difficult.)

I just want to be able to contribute and help my found family. I'm angry at myself for being disabled.

Maybe this is just one of the stages of grief. I don't know. I feel bitter over it.

I'm tired.