animal impulses

it never fails to surprise me that i, a person who suffers from bipolar depression, is always polarizing things. it's incredible.

i was talking to my psychologist about dualism, concepts such as yin and yang, and how they're misinterpreted. how instead of in evil there's still good or in light there's still darkness, people tend to look right over that point, which leaves it a completely purposeless void pit. you cannot have a coin with one side. she told me that reminds me of an exercise she got to do in college.

she took one of the drawing papers, circled it randomly and asked me to tell her what i see... duh. a dot. but like, there's an universe of light around it and all i wanted to point out was the dot. that was a little frustrating at first, like, our eyes are just naturally drawn to contrast, to irregularities. then it immediately clicked that it's exactly what she's trying to get at, just not from a purely biological standpoint. i was actually guilty of the thing i was just criticizing... lol.

this sort of realization happens too often in the process of personal and interpersonal development, but i will not jump to calling it hypocrisy, though i instinctively think of it as such... this is just the same issue again.

the goal is precisely to control this instinct that hungers for evil. an algorithm i've steadily fed over the years to break down everything into being right or wrong. i think that the universe is about balance, interconnection, and relativity. i'm not as prone to judging people and snarling at them as i used to be when unmedicated; i know that everyone needs to be treated on an individual basis, and i will never assume i fully understand them based on one thing or another. the issue at hand is that i don't tend to give myself that treatment.

my view of "progress" is catastrophic. i've been overcompensating for my poor empathy, i think. everybody makes mistakes and i'm prepared to accept that, to comfort them, and to help make things better. except when everybody is also me. "i've done enough bad all my life so i shouldn't let this slide, and neither should anyone else. generally, i don't deserve good things. i'm here to deliver them, but not receive them."

as far as fairness is concerned here, it's just not fair.

this behavior isn't just going to disappear the way snow melts at noon, but at least i know it's here now and someone is encouraging me to believe that i should not be letting this happen. i needed the help. i've been learning the hard way that walking through trauma alone doesn't really get you to a better place, it just makes you a different kind of depressed.

we're more similar to each other than we tend to imagine. think of all the bad things your loved ones have done, and didn't stop being your loved ones for. best case scenario you might not be able to come up with any examples at all; they might be such small slip-ups and misspoken words, they have no place in your memories.

they might feel guilt, but you do not care. you love them, and you try your best to reassure them of that. we can't be perfect, and time only moves forward, and there's lots of good moments ahead, and a pebble in the shoe is nothing compared to all else they bring into your life.

if you can understand these concepts, then why wouldn't they apply to you? you're a person, and you are loved. 

i still cry every time i hear affirmations of that sort. i'm weak, but i'm persevering. i want to believe that i deserve to be loved.