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i dont think i can do it anymore

i dont want to live anymore, the days just get longer and longer. i always tell myself that its just anouther normal day but its not. my worse memories play through my head every day, i cant do anything anymore, its so hard its too hard to live. i dont want to live nor die, i dont want to leave my friends only, i dont want to leave my mess of a family moarning over a waste of space. i delusional, i met a somone in the mental hospital who made me feel warm, we had the same name to! i felt many things about him, i loved him so much it sickened me and when i left i wrote and wrote in my note book of the things i would do for him and the way i saw him, he was the most angelic being in my life, i thought maybe there was a god and this was a reward for the the suffering i been through but i havent seen him nor heard from him in months, i adored him and my heart aches knowing i might never see him again. 

I used to pray to god a lot as a child, on the ride home from school i would prey my moms bf wasnt there but he was, hope would drain from my eyes when i saw that tall man, he would yell at me every day, telling me i was a bad child who was stupid and wasteful he would hit me with a wooden spoon almost every day, my back was always sore and purple. he would sit me in the corner of my bed and make me sit there for 2/4 hours making me think about things. one day after school he through me in a dark closet, i was horified by the dark and i pounded and screamed from my mom to get me out but she would never answer. i would start praying in there asking god to make me a good child, to have my moms bf love me. but i never got an answer and for years of being abused and yelled at by my family being treated like a dog. when i was 13 i was watching a movie with my mouther and sisters. in this movies there was a father who loved and cherished his children, i felt revolted and like i was going to puke. i went out back and sat on a chair, i started to whisper to the sky asking god if he loves me, i god no answers and for years of going to church and singing to the afternoon skies of howmuch i love god! i get no answers. i was was so angery that i sweared to the sky telling it to fuck off. 

im tired, im tired of being useless, i wanted to make art and animation and to write stories! but i dont think i can do it anymore, the days keep getting longer and longer. i wanted to do many things but i dont think its worth it. back when i was 7 i ate a 2 day old pizza, my pop saw my eating it and said thats old, he told me i would die of food poisening and i started to cried, i couldnt calm down i kept thinkin g of my sins and how the fires would burn me. my mom took me to a wendys and got me frozen blue berries. i sat at my computer and watched fnaf vids until i saw a thumnail of a skelonten with a blue eye, i liked it so i clicked and watch it! i was amazed at the animation. i was now in the undertale youtube place, i then clicked on a video of a female goat, the music was warm and beautiful, if i had to think of a song that reminds me of a mothers touch it would be toriels theme. i hate my mother, i love her though, i wish i was diffrent so i could make her happy and prode! i just want her to tell me that im a god kid.  

like i said i dont know if i can do thins anymore, im happy with the friends i made along the way, the stories and art i have made will probably go to waste though. i love my characters all of them, i like to imagine their happy endings, just all of them smiling and being happy. i will never be anble to see my angel again but thats okay i rather him be happy with some one else then me.  

i cant believe i might be free im nt sure though.

i want to make this the best thing ever, i want to show ppl who iwas and if i can just get a little bit attention then im happy.

When i was 13 i stubled across a vid of a comic dub. it was called jthm, i watch it and i was loving it!, i watch the whole thing and rewatched. i relate to Johnny c a lot, and thats not good, the story is funny, sad, wholesome, grusome, and beautiful. 

i probably make a post later if im not dead or somthing, just to tell about myself and other things.

i love all of you. 

my beautiful angel, i might not ever be able to be with you in this life time, without you im nothing. the veil of your flesh with never touch me, i will never get the holy satfaction to hear your sweet voice, i will never be able to ranbel about my favorit things to youbut, when i die my heart will shatter into hundrends, thousands, never ending peice of my love for you, for each life time you will alway have my heart. 

i love you Jackx  

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vocvoidz's profile picture

im so sorry. i wish i could help, but im not sure how you want me to. ill just wish the best for you. goodluck :(

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