Needs in a world full of wants.

“That's the thing about needs, When you have them met, you don’t need them anymore.” -Carrie Bradshaw.

I have needs. I think. I’m not so sure sometimes. I feel like I should, and I feel like I do, but my habits get the better of me often times than not. Every time I have a single expectation my past creeps up on me like a fever, reminding me of my previous self endowed foolishness. Every time I have a glimmer of hope it comes crashing down on my head from the sky like a comically large piano. So, I've come to appreciate luck more. Happenstance, coincidence, the universe.

Well the weather has been nice to me as of late, and I keep remembering how a few years ago I would’ve considered this kind of climate uninhabitable. Now I’m thriving. I’m adapting and I’m surviving. How darwinistic of me. And just when I think I’m drowning, I start to sprout gills from my neck, and suddenly I’ve grown finns where my arms should be. And I think that’s good. I think it's just that sometimes, I keep expecting not to survive. I keep half expecting that my soul would leave my body every time I should open my mouth. Or leak out of my skin every time I change. So now I measure my time by how many winters have passed and how many more moons I have in it to go. I keep feeling like I’m destined to die each and every day, if not winter, that comes around, and I keep expecting to get swept away and under by each polar vortex that happens in my state. I think that’s just my lingering girlhood and whatnot. You wake up each and every birthday thinking you’ve only got a handful of them left. I think that’s why we like birthdays so much. We keep thinking we’ll die after each and every one. 

Maybe I’m being way too pessimistic again, and maybe I will continue to keep wishing for warmer winters until the globe gets completely submerged as a result, but who knows. I hope one day one of my million wishes will come true. None of them have so far, and everyday I sit by my bed and wish for things but no shooting stars frequent my sky anymore. It happened once when I was 16 and then never again. Even when it’s my birthday, I wish and I wish and it's not like the things I wish for are unattainable. Quite the opposite, actually- all the things I have wished for can be granted quite easily, because even though god is god, he still might have a tight budget, you know. There are 8 billion people on this planet, so it’s not like I’ll wish for a mansion with gold statues and enough hope diamonds to fill a Lamborghini or anything. Instead I wish that my best friend will live forever. That my parents will be proud of me. That my fifth grade teacher still remembers me. I wish for world peace and maybe a pizza for lunch. I wish for more common sense because god knows that as I get older, fairy tales seem more and more likely than ever. I wish to see my childhood friends for one more time, because I never said goodbye to any of them. I wish my cat knew how much I love her. I wish that my best was good enough. Things like that. 

There are some things I can't wish for, however. I won't wish  for true love because I just tend to think that although it might be a wish for me, it might be punishment for the party tasked with loving me, because seeing as it hasn’t happened organically, it must be one tedious task, loving me. I won’t wish for something if I can work hard enough for it. Because I’d be prouder of my efforts if I have something to show for it. I won't wish to never die, because I’m scared I won't like my birthday anymore. I can't wish for excessive wealth because then teenagers will make fun of me on the internet. There are just somethings you can’t wish for because I believe that you reap what you sow. And while being rich and having a sick new boyfriend might be cool, I can’t risk my karma on these things. But, anyways,  I just think that this winter must be my favorite, even though it will bring me much more pain than happiness. I can feel the pain from a mile away, and I don’t know if I will ever recover from it, but I know that just like last winter, and the one before that, I will thrive. I will adapt and I will survive. How darwinistic of me.