Life and Loss

3/23/23

As I get older, I seem to be reflecting more and more on the mortality of ..well, myself. And with that, my children- my pets. I refer to my pets as my children, because they're more than just pets to me. I chose to adopt each one. And i've loved and doted on each one as if they were my own. Me and my partner have no intention to have children of our own, let alone adopt another human being. And that's a blog post for another time.

But, this past September I lost my baby boy Spock.
He lived to be 12 years old.  So about.. 64 in cat years. He was a youngin'. He was mischievous. He peed on things. He got into paper, and cardboard, and peed on my shoes shoes, and yowled for no reason. He swatted at the others, he would beg and vulture for food, and lets face it-- he was a downright jerk.
And I would not have traded him for anything in this world.

When we had to let him go, I sat there and bawled my eyes out and until my voice went hoarse. For several days, I didn't want to be comforted by Spooky or Poly, our girls. And it.. had a profound effect on me, I think.

I definitely feel like i've changed.
I haven't wanted to be as physically loving as I use to be-- and this is something that I've been working on for years.
I feel like i've become a little more..sharp. Maybe meaner?

I don't want my boy's death to reflect in me so negatively. Lately, i've been trying to focus inward and take hold of that negativity, so that I can toss it out. I don't want it to have an effect on me anymore, or the relationship that I have with my partner.

Organizing my inner monologue is such a daunting thing. I've tried to journal, but I can't keep up with it. I've definitely had more success with something like.. LIVE journal. Maybe I can have that success here?

hm.