teehee \OvO/

im gonna fucking kill myself. the saddest thing that i realized is that people wont ever be able to understand me. they try to understand. mom tries to understand,my friends tries to understand,my dad...he hates me the moment i turned into a teenager. at least thats how he acts like. they all try to understand but they cant. they just cant and wont understand. im alone. im 16 now and im acting like my 13 year old self. im acting like a child again. 

i just want a genuine hug. i just want someone to understand why im acting like this. if i tell them that i forget about something for the fifth time that day,i dont want them to lash out at me and said that im giving out excuses. im not. i really cant remember it. its because im stupid. im so stupid. why am i so stupid. whats even going on in my own head i myself dont even know. my mom loves me. and i love her so much probably even more than i thought i do. i have a roof over my head,my mom to wake me up,my dad to work so hard day to night. but why am i still like this? what is it that i actually want? i just know even if someone actually understands me,id still want more. cus thats how it has always been.

why?why?why?why?WHY??? I ASK MYSELF EVERYDAY. the only answer that ever came up to mind is the fact that im not trying to be better. zero effort. you read that right. i complain as if ive tried everything. no. im just another ungrateful brat. yet i try to deny that too. what is it that i actually want? this leaves me to one conclusion. suicide if i die,my mom would live a better life with no one to get mad at.to nag at. if i die,my dad wouldnt have to use his monthly 5K income to cover my 7K+ injection that i have to take every month along with my other expensive body creams just because i have severe eczema problem that WONT go away. my sister wouldnt have to share her bed with me or nag at me for doing stupid things or being a nuisance. my friends wouldnt have to wait for me to read their texts just because i dont feel like replying. if i die my family can eat better food,wear nicer clothes,go to fun places. oh if i die.if i die. if i die. if i die. i wish i didnt have these thoughts.

my stomach hurts.

a song i was listening to while typing this down

jellyfish!!