Connect / Disconnect

it's electric at first

a shock to the system

that makes my body go numb

the tears don't well in my eyes

they can't; i won't let them

but there's a strange feeling

aching in all of my nerves,

vibrating in my bones

it's supposed to feel good,

i think

it's not that it doesn't

but when i try to pick it apart

that's when it starts

the pain has reduced to a tingling sensation

an ache in my suddenly exposed heart

that i can't understand even when i explain it

my eyes sting. this is why i don't allow tears.

but it's okay

it's good

i promise, it's good

i like that you care

it feels electric

i just can't understand

i can't understand why it hurts to be told

that i deserve this happiness

that i deserve this love

that i deserve to feel alive

i can't understand why i can't understand it.

i unplug for too long

my heart retreats into my chest

closed and locked, as it should be

but it's too late

you've seen too much

there's a part of me that wants to plug in again

to feel the life coursing through my veins

to feel the truth of the love and care you have

but i cross my arms over my chest

and i laugh

and i observe

and i support

and i provide

but i can't take any more from you

and i'm sorry for taking what i did

i bared my soul to a bunch of strangers

sits heavy on my tongue

but you aren't strangers

and i clamp my teeth down on it

threaten to bite it out if it tries again

the comfort i found

in knowing my heart is in good hands

is gone

it should still be there

nothing has changed

but it's been replaced

with deep regret

why would i let you see me like that?

why would i let you see my heart?

why was i happy to, despite myself?

because it's safe, isn't it?

...isn't it?