saturday february 4 2023 (the 20th year)

its my birthday today!!! two whole decades on the earth... i feel normal. however technically i did not exist in the world for another 15 hours. so maybe then i will feel different. i remember thinking my 18th birthday would be a world shattering event (quite literally) so when i went to the window and saw people going about their day i was like hm. maybe not. that year was extremely strange though. anyways... i think i can acknowledge getting older this time without it being so bad. it is weird i am no longer a teenager technically. but i don't feel like one either. so maybe its ok. the things around me that i love the most also grow old.. some even share my age.. and age with me.. music. art. people. so i think thats ok too. if anything this makes me feel more connected to them. i think it is a weird thing that 20 years ago all the atoms and molecules in the whole entire universe aligned so that a strange person could exist. but i guess that is true for all of us, strange or not. i am having quite the party today. i am hoping most people make it. though i am not the biggest birthday celebrating guy - i do enjoy having big parties. it is a great excuse to have all my friends in one place.  it is weird also having an early birthday. because most people don't have them this early, at least most people i know. i feel like everyone else always has more time to be their age... though technically that is impossible. i am wondering what 20 has in store for me. i hope it is the things i want the most. by the time i go to college i will already be halfway to my 21st... but i'm trying not to think about that. i think it is also weird i remember being 10, because most of the time i don't remember 10 years ago, and i will also remember this when i'm 30 probably. if not maybe i will be reading this then as its the point of all my blogs. either way i hope i am doing good then. if i am doing ok now.. perhaps i can still be ok. well.. i need to make a playlist for tomorrow night. i think i mostly like the person i am.