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Category: Life

loathing (not proofread)

It was almost as if Brayden forgot how to have fun. He was on the end of the bed watching YouTube video essays about video games he’d never played, and never would. He dreamed of being a musician or entertainer of some sort. With small victories behind him he had grown slightly discouraged after spending hours and hours making short form content for social media, only for it to flop. One of the videos recieving only a single like from his aunt he decided to do nothing but lay at the end of that bed and waste away for a day. He formulated this dream and figured he’d be able to successfully pull it off while in his senior year of high school. It’d been nearly five years and the only victories he had to show for it were a couple of shows he’d played, two social media videos that received a half a million views each, and a song which had received more than 10,000 plays. He couldn’t stomach quitting but at times it seemed like he was living like he’d already given up. A little over a year ago today Brayden felt at a spiritual high. He was peaceful and full of love. He’d accepted his place in the universe, loved his role, and felt valued. That changed when he started drinking regularly around that Christmas. He quickly become more engrossed in his ego and seemingly fell from grace. No longer was he breathing in oxygen lucky and proud to be alive, but instead with a distaste for existence and everyday life. Around that time he had been posting very regularly on TikTok, explaining laws of the universe and leading by example. However he lost touch with that side of himself as he began to drown his thoughts out with the taste of liquor. He knew he didn’t necessarily want to be drinking but he didn’t have a problem with it at first. But as a month of drinking turned to a year of drinking he began to fear a problem, as he lacked to desire to quit, even though he was watching it destroy his life. Amidst all of the inner drama he managed to blow up on Instagram, one of the two times he had a video hit half a million thus far. The morning of recording the comedy sketch that many friends would reference throughout the upcoming months he was hungover. He finished the video, uploaded it, thought nothing of it, and then went on with his day before starting to drink in the early afternoon. The video did not find success until a week or so later, and he then used it as an excuse to prove he could still drink and find success. He knew it was best to follow his gut feeling, but he often overrode it to do what his flesh desired. Those days were spent drinking, masturbating, and hyping up the ego to counteract the laziness that began to grow within him. He was partsially fried from the various psychedelic trips he’d participated in searching for god. He’d discovered a lot in his life using psychedelics to unlock wisdom, but unearned wisdom comes at a cost. Brayden lived in a state that felt like a constant trip, which felt amazing before the alcoholism, but has since developed into him viewing most interactions as the universe communicating him from a critical point of view.

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